Today I feel like total crap. Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up, you feel like a giant gorilla had beaten the crap out of you while you were asleep, and no matter what soothing drink you sip, your throat feels like that same giant gorilla asshole had also shoved a healthy wad of steel wool down your throat?  Well that’s how I feel today.

Complaining about how I feel aside, Happy a Halloween!  I am totally bummed that we don’t know many people out here.  Halloween is one of our favorite holidays and there is absolutely no way for us to really celebrate it.  What we’ll most likely do is eat leftovers, nap on the couch and watch a scary movie.  Seriously, this sucks.  I wish I had a costume party to go to, but then again, I always get annoyed at costume parties because getting costumes for a young woman SUCKS.  The only costumes out there are all the oversexed hooker costumes.  Wanna be a ghost this year?  Well here’s the ultra sexy, ultra skimpy dead hooker costume!  Wanna go traditional and be a witch?  Here’s the tight little black mini dress and a hat…that passes off as a witch, right?  Wanna be an alien?  Well all female aliens are mostly naked aren’t they?  It’s stupid.  And it’s not like all women buy into it, sure it’s the time of year where you can dress up in a sexy costume and be the mysterious sexy alien or whatever, but that’s all you can find at these huge Halloween stores!  Now look, I can appreciate feeling sexy and all that, but when I go to a Halloween party, I wanna have a good time.  I wanna play all the games and not have to worry if my cleavage is falling out or if every time I bend over everybody is getting a free show of downtown.  But again, I am not even lucky enough this year to be able to be uncomfortable in a hooker alien costume.

So all you dickheads out there who are still around all your friends, have a good time tonight and try to appreciate it.  Don’t shy away from a good prank, and try to keep the date rape drugs at home tonight.  I’m pretty sure the hooker Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz in her tiny tiny dress will go home with you if you ask nicely.

P.S. The Bacon Burger rocked my world.

Yesterday was cleaning day around here.  I was a total mad-person.  I cleaned everything and then totally neglected making a wonderful dinner.  Why is this still bothering me today?  Well now all I can think about it the kickass dinner I’m going to make tonight.  It’s not a fancy meal with a rich French sauce, or a super fancy Italian delicacy….no.  Tonight I am making Bacon Burgers!

Do you understand the sheer joy of sitting down to eat dinner and being presented with the sheer beauty of a juicy hamburger topped with roasted onions, barbecue sauce, and bacon (among other toppings)?  Do you understand how that first juicy bite makes me squirm in my seat?  I complain about how my body is not the perfect picture of rail-thin beauty, but all those concerns go away when I am about to eat a bacon burger.  Who cares what size pants I wear when I’m eating a bacon burger?  Who cares if nobody would pay to see me naked when I am eating a bacon burger?  Bacon burgers are something almost divine.  Do you understand?  Does anyone understand how wonderful a bacon burger is?  If I am alone in this, then this is a world in which I prefer not to live!  If I’m not alone I propose we form the Cult of the Bacon Burger!  Our rituals will include the eating of many bacon burgers as well as the teachings of the Bacon Burger Vs. American Body Images, and let me tell you, Bacon Burger always wins people.  It is the Bacon Burger that makes sense in this life.  So I implore all of you to go out tonight (or any night) and get yourself a bacon burger, eat it, and lounge in the pure ecstacy that follows.  I’ll do the same.  Hail Bacon Burger.

I had a fan-fucking-tastic weekend.  No, I didn’t go anywhere interesting (unless you consider grocery shopping to be the thrill of your life), and no, nothing out of the ordinary really happened.  I just had a great time with my husband.  I’m sure those of you out there who are still looking for what I have get sick when you read this, so puke away…..here it comes.

Our relationship has been peppered with some really bad and stressful times, the worst of which we are still coming out of at this point.  When you are stressed, and in a constant bad mood, the last thing you you worry about is your sex life.  When we were first together, that’s all we did……for like three years.  Then a series of events occurred and we started having problems, not necessarily with our relationship, but with life.  Our relationship I don’t think has ever really been in jeopardy.  We both decided a long time before we were even engaged that if we do this, we’re doing it for the long haul…and I gotta say, we both bust our asses to make this work.  It hasn’t been easy, but totally worth it.

ANYWAY, things started sucking; bad luck and shitty people ruined a lot of days for us, and for a while we just completely stopped having sex.  This lasted for about a year and a half.  We’d have frustrated, seconds long sex sometimes but it wasn’t the same.  And once we moved out here and we were away from some of our problems, some of the stress started going away and he started reaching for me more in bed, and I let him.

Then recently the big news of us trying to have a family came about.  Naturally we had to have sex to do that, but it didn’t stay that way.  This is the way it broke down:

Me: “That was nice.  Thanks for the sperm.”

Jessie:  *Snore*

Another time…

Me:  “Wow that was really good, can we do it again tonight?”

Jessie:  *Snore*

He even came home for a noonie…

Me:  “Oh my God, that was so dirty!”

Jessie:  “I think I’ll have to do that to you a few more times today.”

This has been going on for a while, but last night he told me “I broke it,” but we’ll see.  Over the years, I’m still the horndog teenager I was when he met me.  So yes..I had a wonderful weekend, and I can’t remember the last time I felt this sexy.  Everybody out there still yakking?  GOOD!  ENVY MY WONDERFUL LIFE!  hehehehe.