Sorry it’s been so long.  Since Aschlie and Helen had a wild hair strapped across their asses and were complete blogging machines, I was wiped out after reading them.  You guys rock.  But today I am back, and I have some very interesting news to share with you all.

It appears that Jessie had kind of a sexual dream about on of his coworkers last night.  I’m not really jealous or anything because he works with only GUYS and he’s completely horrified that he had the dream.  He also knows that I am writing this blog, so he’s probably not going to be on speaking terms with me tonight.  Now allow me to explain the dream so those of you out there with extraordinarily dirty minds can be put to ease.  It wasn’t terrible, but it’s still friggin hilarious.

Jessie spent the night in a hotel with this guy (dunno why) just as friends I guess.  He woke up the next day in the same bed as the guy and thought it was me, but it wasn’t,. and he had no recollection of the previous night’s goings on.  So I guess he assumed he and his coworker maybe did some dirty stuff, which would explain his horror at having had the dream.

Jessie tells me this over instant messenger (because I had just told him about my dream of playing strip poker with one of my sexual fantasy men).  I immediately called his cell phone and started singing “JESSIE AND *coworker* SITTIN IN A TREE.  K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”  To which I got a lot of “shut up!” and “I hate you!” replies.  That still did not stop me.  you see, I had to make a momento of this, just to humiliate him a little more.  So I  made a picture, similar to the ones he was harassing everybody with last week.  ENJOY EVERYBODY!  YES!

Sweet Dreams Jessie-Poo!!

I have to say it:  Reality TV is getting out of control.  Seriously.  I’ve never really gotten on the reality TV wagon.  The only ones I ever really got addicted to were the two Flavor of Love seasons.  Those were just funny.  But seriously, some of the crap that they are coming up with now is just ridiculous.  Even Food Network is jumping on the bandwagon with like three shows that are all completely stupid!  The show that inspired me to post today is a show on Oxygen called “Tease”.  It looks like America’s Next Top Model except it’s with hairdressers.  Am I the only one who is confused by this?  Reality TV seems to have a big boner for trying to make EVERYTHING look glamorous.  Soon somebody is gonna come up with something called “Pump” which is a competition to see which guy can make pumping your septic tank look as glamorous and fabulous as possible.  There will be three judges and one of them will HAVE to be an openly gay man, as is protocol in Reality TV.  I can see it now.

Openly Gay Guy Judge:  “Oh honey!  What were you thinking?  How could you not notice that your pump line was not the correct shade of lavender?  That is a huge mistake!”

Super Nice But Kinda Stupid Female Judge:  “I agree.  The color of the tube is everything in making this go from your everyday pump to a fabulous TV pump.  But I liked your technique.”

Ultra-Mega-Evil Judge (male or female):  “I was appalled by your attire and the way in which you flipped the switch and attached your hose.  You obviously are still not understanding how to make a septic pump look fabulous.  You make me sick.”

And out there somewhere, somebody would watch this show and cast their votes on who they believe did the best and most stylish job of pumping the septic tank.  The winner would be crowned and America would come to know him as the “Pump Man” as he did interviews for the Morning Show and Jay Leno.

Obviously the opinions of coke-sniffing interns is becoming more respected in the television industry.  TV and Hollywood have gone to shit in the past few years…or rather since the beginning.  There was a time when an actress had to be a classically trained dancer, had to have vocal lessons for singing, and also had to act.  Now it’s all about who is willing to show tits and ass for a bargain and marry as many times as possible and be in the tabloids 24/7.  There was a time when most movies that came out were original and interesting.  Now we are seeing remakes out the ass and movies made from books that are as old as time because apparently all the screenwriters of the world have all died of a mysterious screenwriters disease.  It seems to me that talent is not as important as looks and the ability to be a skanky whore in the public eye.  But I’m too harsh I guess.  I guess I’m not interested in knowing if Paris Hilton has some sort of VD from letting her dog clean her crotch, or that Lindsey Lohan has won the Frat House Cup of the year for longest keg stand.  Blah….those two make me wanna puke.

ANYWAY, I guess my point is that our entertainment seems to get more brainless as time goes on.  Watch the movie “Idiocracy” and you’ll see what life will be like in 500 years if we stay on this course.  It’s sad, but kinda funny.

This blog is turning into a career with you guys!  Somer Addicts is what you are!  I suggest you attend a few Somer Addicts Annonymous meetings when you start to feel withdrawal.

I was sick for most of last week (which would explain my absence).  I feel much better now.  I don’t know if I have any real news though.  hmmm……lemme think……

Brandon is in basic training for the Air Force.  After that he goes to tech school in Montana which is good news because that means he’ll be close to me!  I am very proud of him.

I’ve decided not to be mad at my mom anymore.  Never mind why I was mad at her, it’s over now (and by the way, I DID NOT overreact!  I was caught off guard and bullied in an inebriated state).  The truth is, I love my mom and I miss the closeness we once had.  We’re still pretty close, but we live such different lives it’s hard to really connect sometimes.  She’s a pretty cool gal.  I’ve grown up watching her and seeing her make certain decisions about her life.  My mom is a person who follows her heart, unfortunately, on occasion, her heart has proven to be slightly retarded.  But look where she is now.  She’s living a very comfortable life and no longer has to worry about the things that once bothered her.  YAY MOM!

Jessie is tired of me being ugly all the time so he is forcing me to go to the optometrist to get contact lenses.  I kept telling him that I enjoy wearing these huge glasses all the time, but he told me that he can’t stand to look at me anymore and he’s tired of being married to an ugly wench like me.  NOTE:  If anybody believes that the preceding paragraph had any truth in it besides the fact that I am going to the optometrist for contact lenses, then said people must proceed to slap themselves in the face repeatedly until the stupid comes out of their head.

It would be nice to see a couple of my favorite Somer Addicts sometime.  I’ve been here a year and haven’t made one new friend.  I’m stuck in this apartment for weeks at a time without ever going outside.  I think it might be anxiety that does that, but I’m also starting to feel a little lonely.  I’ll think of something, but I miss you guys.

I’ve gotten more phobic since we moved out here.  Jessie is starting to notice it.  I get panicky with the thought of people looking at me.  I think I might have once had a little self-esteem, but it is now completely gone.  I look in the mirror now and see things that nightmares are made of.  Huge pop bottle glasses, crooked jagged teeth gnashing in preparation to eat a small child, Medusa-like hair, and about four hundred chins.  How does one go about feeling good again?  Nevermind.  I’ll figure it out.  What I lack in the beauty queen department, I compensate with a wonderfully psychotic imagination.