ME:  “What are you laughing at?”

JESSIE:  “Nothing.  You’ll think I’m stupid.”

ME:  “I already think that.  What is it?”

JESSIE:  “Wouldn’t be funny if we had removable buttholes?  Like they were peel and stick buttholes.”

ME:  “Have you been drinking?”

JESSIE:  “And wouldn’t it be funny if we went around sticking our buttholes on to other people?”

ME:  “Are you high?”

JESSIE:  “And what if everybody stuck their buttholes on just one guy and he was covered in other peoples’ buttholes.  He’d be known as “The Butthole Guy”.  Wouldn’t that be awesome?”

Is it wrong for me to want my own bed?  I seriously sometimes think it is a hazard to my health having to share sleeping quarters with Jessie.  I love him and I enjoy the mush and all the crap, but I cannot sleep with that behemoth on the same mattress!  The cats don’t help.

For instance, the other night, Jessie went to bed early with Bootsey and I stayed up a little longer.  When I finally did come to bed, Jessie and Bootsey were fast asleep.  I got into bed, and it was like he sensed me.  He rolled over onto his side and hiked his ass up so that it was resting on my hip.  THEN Bootsey woke up, came and got on my lap, rolled over onto her back with her feet sticking up in the air and trapped me.  I was unable to move.  Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I noticed that Bootsey was snoring.  Great.  Then Jessie started his earth trembling snore.  Wonderful!  Every time I moved, both of them would emit this high pitched squawl at me for having disturbed their peaceful sleep.  EXCUSE ME!  SO sorry to interrupt your sleep.  I so enjoy being your pillow and not being allowed to move!  Blah.

Jessie is just the noisiest sleeper I can imagine.  He grinds his teeth, and this was something that was a HUGE problem in the beginning of our relationship, mostly because I was a sleep-deprived monster.  I am a person whose skin tries to jump off of my body anytime I hear someone hit their teeth with a a fork, or a metal spoon scraping a metal pan.  Teeth grinding is the same principle.  That sound could wake me from any drug-induced coma.  He finally got a mouthpiece but in his sleep he sometimes mistakes it for food and chews on it and makes this awful squeaking noise.  It eventually wakes him up, and what do you think that shithead does?  HE SPITS OUT THE MOUTHPIECE!!!  So when he wakes me up with that awful noise, I usually start blindly hitting him in the head yelling at him to put his mouthpiece back in.  He yells back and calls me psycho, but puts the mouthpiece back in.  Jessie is also a world-class snoring machine.  We tried those nose strips for him, but the glue had a bad effect on his skin.  So I have to poke him or kick him and sometimes even plug up his nose to deal withthat issue.  Is that all?  NO.  He gets all spaztic in his sleep.  By that I mean he jerks and kicks and flails, sometimes beating the crap out of me as I try to sleep.  At first I try to roll as far away as I can but usually have to resort to fighting back, which wakes him and and he calls me psycho again.  You would be right to assume that on any given night I will be called psycho at least once and he will be smacked in the head at least ten times.  I don’t really know if I’ve gotten used to it, I just think it would be nice to get a peaceful night’s rest.

So my stalker is demanding that I post a new blog.  I guess my words are like crystal meth, or crack to her.  Beware, because like crystal meth and crack, my blog has very dangerous side effects.  Sure you have a good time when you’re here.  You may feel loopy and disconnected from the real world, but the dark side to this kind of pleasure is one of pure horror, so I feel I must warn all who read this.  If you notice that some of your teeth are falling out, stop reading this blog and contact a physician.  If you start having heart palpitations, stop reading this blog and contact a physician.  If you start looking really ugly and sickly, stop reading this blog and contact a physician.  If all of these symptoms persist, put down the damned crack pipe!  Now that we’re square…..

Espresso.  Look very closely at that word.  Sound it out when you say it.  Ess-press-oh…..I want to pull a gun just about every time I hear someone ask for an Ex-press-oh.  I’ve started noticing that “DEFINITELY” is being spelled correctly in some blogs..and I thank you guys that are trying to preserve a little bit of my sanity.  Here’s another one.  TO-TWO-TOO.  That was the heading to many worksheets from probably the third grade.  However, I am convinced that everybody except for me has blocked those worksheets from memory.  Let’s begin with TOO….the one most often fucked up.

If you are trying to convey that something is more than enough, you say “TOO”.  ex.  “You gave me too much pudding, Bill!”   or  “Bill, you are just too annoying.”

If you are meaning to convey something meaning “as well” or “also”, you say “TOO”.  ex. “Dammit, Bill.  I wanted a pudding pop too!”

Actually, I think that I’m done.  If you guys can’t correctly use “TWO” correctly, then I have no more hope for mankind.  I don’t see “TO” misused too often except when it is in the place of “TOO”.  So STOP IT!  ^-^

My mom married her dude at the end of December.  Way to go, mom.

The reason why the above rant is present is because I joined an online diet group.  While looking at the message boards, I am more than horrified when I see the atrocious misspellings and grammar slaughterings presented by my fellow dieters.  I guess I have a hard time understanding such a nonchalant attitude toward our language.  I always found it quite easy, and I have a strong belief in showing respect to language and grammar.  I’m not sure why.  You’ll see posts similar to this from time to time simply because I am horrified by what I see.

By the way, the online diet group is www.sparkpeople.com.  Thanks, Steph for posting that on your site.  I am actually finding that I have faith in my goal this time.  Check it out if you’re interested.  It’s free and has lots of support.  Take a peek and see if it’s something you’d like to try.

I’m done for now.  I’ll be back later.