I almost skipped this part, almost left you all hanging.  This is going to be the disgusting part to write.  It might even be capable of making the mushiest, craziest, lovesick person out there puke.  But, since I started it, I might as well finish it.  The good aspects of marriage and/or committed relationships.

There’s always someone to make fun of who will take it graciously.

You never have to eat alone.  Even if you eat in silence, there’s someone there to make gross eating noises to keep you distracted.

When your mom calls, your significant other can answer the phone and let her know that your mouth is busy doing something else at the moment, but it won’t last much longer.  Jessie does this to my mom all the time, and my mouth is NEVER doing what he is implying at the time, I’m usually sitting there laughing because I can hear my mom yelling through the phone.

If you have a bad dream and wake up in the middle of the night, there is someone there who you can either snuggle up to, or wake up and talk to until you go back to sleep; this person never gets mad at you for waking them up after a bad dream either.

If you’re upset over something, there is always someone there for you.  Even if they say nothing but the wrong things, you can look at their face and see how genuinely concerned for you they are.

You’ll have a moment where you and your love are doing something completely mundane, and you look over at them and smile because they look super adorable when they are zoned out.  You may or may not say anything, but they WILL catch you looking at them like a big ol’ sap and ask what you are looking at, and you come out with “you are so adorable,” at which point your beloved blushes and smiles, which makes them a thousand times cuter.

There isn’t any primping required before sex, i.e. it is no longer necessary to shave your legs right before and you don’t have to make sure you smell just right.

You can relax around this person.  If you’re drinking a soda and let out an epic belch by accident, there is no need to be embarrassed, you simply look over and say “damn, that was a good one.”

You’re so comfortable with this person and so spoiled by them that kisses and hugs are taken for granted.

When they’re gone, and you get a whiff of their smell, you smile and immediately miss them.

There’s something they always say to you that lets you know that they adore you and really really love you.  When I go to lay my head on Jessie’s chest at night, he kisses the top of my head and says “hi precious,” and I always smile a little because I know what he means.

They rub your feet, even if their feet gross you out and you can’t bring yourself to rub them.

Out of all the people you have to spend time with during the holidays, your significant other is the only person you really want to sit with.

If you do something stupid and this person laughs at you, you don’t feel bad.  You laugh with them because you know that they wouldn’t do something to hurt you.

I could list a thousand more things that make marriage and committed relationships a great thing (if it’s the right person for you), but I’ll stop because I’m sure you are all sick of me right now.  I just thought I’d spread a bit of my happy and my experiences.  If you don’t like it, suck it.  BTW, this is completely off subject, but you know what is a really funny name to call somebody?  You don’t hear it a lot, and it’s not really all that vulgar, but I laugh every time I hear it.  Weiner.  If you call someone a weiner, it is always funny.  “Hey you little weiner, watch where you’re going.”  I love it!

Today we are going to explore the ugly side of marriage OR committed relationships and co-habitations.  Although these types of relationships are not purely made up of nightmares and horrors, they are not all roses either.  there is a distinct ugly side to them.  Let’s begin.

“What do you want to do for dinner tonight?”

“I dunno.”

“Well do you want to go out or stay in?  Pick from those two.”

“I dunno.  Do you even feel like cooking?  I just don’t know where I would want to go if we did go out.”

“I’ll cook anything, I don’t care!  Just choose.  Do you want to go out or stay in?”

“I dunno.  I guess we could stay in.”

“Ok, is there anything in particular you would like for me to cook?”

“I dunno.”

The “I dunno” person will soon find themselves in the middle of an argument where their significant other is quite irritated with them.  This is something that happens a lot, small stupid bickering.  “Can you take out the garbage for me?”  Three days later and the garbage is overflowing, a fight ensues.  “Look at all the popcorn crumbs in the bed!”  Another argument.  “Your dirty underwear do NOT go on the floor!”  Another argument.  “*Sniff sniff* Holy shit, is that YOU?!?!”  Another argument.  “Are you really going to wear that?”  Another argument.  I could go on forever.  When you sit and think about it, you realize that the majority of the arguments you have with your significant other are over trivial and stupid things.  In turn, you realize that the reason that you argue over trivial and stupid things is because you yourself are trivial and stupid.  *Ding ding*  Ugly Side, IN YOUR FACE!  In some way, we are all stupid and trivial, it’s just over different things.  Of course not one of us wants to admit this.  We all want to believe that we are easy going, and we are not supreme naggers.  The truth of the matter is, there is not one truly easy going human being on this planet.

We all have pet peeves that drive us crazy and inevitably turn us into bitching naggy assholes.  It only varies in degrees.  There are some who never let a single thing slide and end up spending the majority of their day bitching.  These are the most obvious naggers and we compare ourselves to these nut balls to make ourselves feel better.  On the other end of the spectrum are the people we would consider to be “easy going” who only have a few pet peeves and therefore rarely bitch.  These are people we admire for their patients and sturdiness.  But just remember, those easy going people bitch their significant others out once in a while too, just not as often as most.

We come to the point at last.  The ugly side of these committed relationships is self realization.  You couldn’t have a moment of clarity where you realize these things about yourself unless you were in a serious relationship and therefore in a position to see yourself the way others might see you.  The next time you are in an argument with your beloved, stop being mad at them for a minute.  Stop making your number one goal to make them feel bad or to prove your point.  Listen to what you are saying and how you are saying it, and you’ll think to yourself, “Am I really that kind of person?”  Yes you are.

The next hard thing is to realize that you are not horrible for being that kind of person, it’s just who you are.  You might act like an asshole sometimes, but look at your life and your situation.  Your not arguing with some stranger on the street, you are arguing with someone who you love and who loves you back.  Despite your being a gigantic ass, this person adores you for your other million qualities.  Appreciate your beloved for that.  Despite everything, they still love you, and you need to be honored that they do.