I just wanted to take a second to apologize for the full-on pregnancy posts.  Honestly, I try to filter it, but it’s the only really interesting thing going on with me right now.  Why am I being so anal about not talking too much about my pregnancy?  Allow me to explain.

You guys are in different places, there’s no way you can really give that much of a shit about the tiny tidbits of the horrors of pregnancy.  I know this so don’t try to correct me.  Before I became pregnant, I was always super annoyed by the pregnant women who did nothing but try to draw attention to themselves for being pregnant.  Like “LOOK AT ME!  DID I MENTION THAT I’M PREGNANT?  I’M HAVING A LITTLE MAN IN FOUR WEEKS!  I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!  LOOK AT ME TOUCHING MY BELLY ALL THE FUCKING TIME!  LOOK AT ME IN MY RIDICULOUS MATERNITY CLOTHES!  LOOK AT HOW FUNNY I LOOK WHEN I TRY TO WALK!  LOOK AT ME!  LOOK AT ME!  ARE YOU LOOKING YET?”  Seriously, I’ve seen a lot of people use their pregnancies as a ploy to get attention, and they leak it on people who don’t have kids and could honestly care less.  I’m not saying everybody does this, I’m just trying to avoid being ultra-annoying and I don’t want anybody to get the feeling that I’m trying to get attention.  Mind you I AM trying to get attention, but I’m trying not to use my pregnancy as the tool.  I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO LIKE ME!  hehehe.  And I apologize doubly, because this was kind of another pregnancy post.  Dammit.

In all the books they warn that you might find yourself acting a bit like an idiot during pregnancy, mostly because of a massive preoccupation to the human being incubated inside your body.  I didn’t think it would happen to me, and I was sorely mistaken.  Here are a few examples:

When Jessie and I first moved into this townhome, it was so big, it seemed so empty, so we went to the craft store and they were having a clearance sale on these really nice fake plants.  These plants were huge and looked totally real and we got a sweet deal on one to shove in an empty corner.  A couple days later, I was picking up and I noticed that some of the leaves on the new plant were turning a little brown, so I go to get a little water to water the plant so it wouldn’t die.  Halfway back to the plant I remembered that the plant was FAKE.  I felt so stupid at the time, it wasn’t even funny, it was humiliating.  It’s funny now, though.

Several times I have stepped into the shower with my glasses still on and start to panic when my vision goes all funky from the water hitting the lenses.  I have also gotten into the shower with a band still holding my hair in a ponytail and it always takes a minute to figure out why my hair is stuck in the back while I’m trying to wash it.

I pulled a sheet pan with whatever I was making out of the oven the other day and put the sheet pan on the stove.  I took off the oven glove and decided I didn’t like where the pan was so I decided to move it just a little.  I was actually surprised when I burned my fingers.  Duh, oh yeah.  Stuff that goes in weird hot box come back out HOT!

Forget about having reasonable conversations with me too.  I’ll be in the middle of a sentence and suddenly glaze over and stare off into space, completely forgetting what I was even talking about.  I’m starting to feel sorry for Jessie, although he’s gotten a few good laughs at my expense lately.

In my own defense, I AM actually really preoccupied.  I have a pregnancy book that tracks the development process of the baby week by week, so every Sunday, Jessie and I read about what is going on that week.  This past Sunday, the book informed us that if Lukas were born now, he has a 1 in 4 chance of living.  I was shocked…….seriously.  I am very close to my third trimester, but I never considered that he would be born this early, or that he could actually survive.  I’ve been trying to armor myself for not only the labor and birth process, but also the life adjustment.  I have been trying to discipline myself on being too hard and I need to be a gushy mother and hug this boy sometimes.  I don’t want my kids to grow up and say “I can do a thousand times better than my psycho parents.”  I know he’ll grow up thinking we did a few things wrong, that’s just human imperfection at it’s best.  Your kids know your a nut ball more than anybody else in the world, except maybe your spouse.  I just don’t want to be too bad.  I don’t want him to have regrets about things that were actually MY responsibility.

I had another Dr.’s appointment yesterday.  I’m fine, Lukas is fine….all is right with the world again.  Let me just take this moment to say that I love my Dr. and her nurse.  These are women who are sympathetic, they are SUPER nice, and they remember me.  I’m still at the point in this pregnancy where I only see the Dr. every 4 weeks, so it would be understandable if they were fuzzy on who I am, but I guess since I am that “poor girl” with the 1% disease, it might be kind of hard to forget me, since I was looking like the walking dead there for a while.  The nurse comes to call me in from the waiting room yesterday and immediately starts gushing about how good I look and how there is color in my cheeks, and then the Dr. does the same when she comes to see me.  Sometimes, you want to be babied, and these women are pros.  I’m so glad I chose this place.

Notice how the title of this blog looks kinda weird?  Let me explain.  I am paranoid that people don’t believe me about this disease.  I mean, it only effects 1% of pregnant women each year.  I have never been a small statistic like that before.  I’m always in the majority.  I expected, if nothing else, to be one of the women that gain WAY too much weight during my pregnancy because I was doing so well.  I’ve always been healthy as a horse.  One of the reasons why I feel this way is because I think I misconstrue things that my mom says.  She went through similar experiences with her pregnancies and was never diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum and never took any medication.  I think sometimes that she thinks I’m milking my sickness, or that I’m being a wuss by taking the pills.  Mind you, she has never said this, these are all assumptions I have made in my super paranoid head.  It’s also because I think to myself, “Mom did this without the pills and she didn’t die, why am I being such a baby?”  Again, all me, none of it comes from my mom.  I also know that she reads this blog sometimes and she’s going to call me and tell me I’m psychotic for thinking these things.  hehe…I know it.

Then, last week I was talking to Helen, one of the nicest people in the world.  There isn’t a vicious bone in her body.  She doesn’t gossip about other people.  She’s just nicer than the rest of us.  Well during this conversation she mentions, quite innocently, to me that her mother had watched a special on Oprah about Hyperemesis Gravidarum not long after I found out that I had it and Helen said that her mom had said something along the lines of “it’s funny that they do a special on it right after Somer found out she had it.”  At first I didn’t take it as anything because it WAS kinda weird.  And I know Phyllis and she has the same kindness and good heartedness as Helen.  But, my paranoid brain worked over it after the conversation and I started getting defensive.  I remember specifically the day we found out that I had this shitty disease, Jessie was researching it online and he happened across a thing that had said that Dr. Phil was going to be doing a special on it in like two weeks.  I guess Dr. Phil and Oprah work together?  Are they on the same show?  I really don’t know, I try to avoid Oprah and Dr. Phil.  I get offended that books that I love are sometimes put on her stupid book club list.  ANYWAY, I started getting defensive, telling myself that I hope Phyllis didn’t mean her comment to mean that I perhaps saw a preview of the show and just started telling people that I had THAT because it sounded like what I had or something like that.  I was thinking about it today, actually and I asked myself “why the hell are you so paranoid?  Nobody thinks you are faking this because it’s too friggin scary to fib about.”  Why am I so paranoid?  Some might say I’m paranoid because I am faking.  I’m not.  Am I paranoid simply because this stupid thing is so rare?  Am I paranoid because through most of this I’ve been told that it was only morning sickness and it would go away and to eat crackers?  I really don’t know, just let me make clear again, that my mom, Helen and her mom are completely innocent in this, they are just used to show examples.  I am so scared of people thinking I’m being a big baby.  Seriously…I would flip out if someone said I was exaggerating.  Mom, I love you.  Helen and Phyllis, I love you too.  Please forgive me for being a nut ball.