Enlarged tummy, stretch marks, squished bladder, and itchy skin!  LET IT END SOON DEAR LORD!!  I don’t know how much more of this I can take!!  I’m on the verge of ripping the skin off my stomach just so it will stop itching for two seconds!  I spend half of my day urinating and not eating because I’m so full of baby, there’s no room for anything else, including my entire digestive system.  People keep asking me “Are you ready for the birth?”  ABSOLUTELY.  This being my first time at this and all, I really expected myself to have more misgivings about labor and delivery, but honestly at this point I am ready.  The pregnancy itself has been such a hellish experience, I can’t imagine a possibly 24 hour labor with a definite end in sight being any worse than 9 months of sickness, body morphing, pain in weird places, food aversion, and insomnia.  I just keep telling myself that I won’t be pregnant forever and soon I’ll have a screaming poop machine in place of all this discomfort.  I’m ready.  I just want my body back.

“But Somer,”  you may ask, “aren’t you excited about meeting your baby?  You seem so preoccupied with not being pregnant anymore, you seem to have lost sight of the little life you are bringing into the world.”  To this I would give you the following reply,

“Shut the hell up.”

Of course I’m preoccupied with not being pregnant anymore, but I am very excited to meet my child, and I’m very excited to finally be able to bring him home.  Every time I have a new outfit for him, I wash it, and as I am folding it and placing it in a drawer in his little dresser I smile because I know that soon I will be stuffing a bald pumpkin head in those clothes.  I’ve spent the past three months getting everything ready for him, giving him his own cabinet space in the kitchen, giving him his own bathroom complete with bath toy caddy in the shower, making his nursery just right so it is both pleasant and functional, and making sure that I am well-versed in basic child care so I won’t mess up too badly.  I’ve even diapered, dressed, and swaddled a stuffed monkey to make sure that I could at least manage the basics.  I just don’t write about this stuff very often because I know that people are more accustomed to my bitching and being a grump rather than seeing my wishy washy mommy-musings.  Bet some of you are surprised that I have an actual beating heart and living soul enough to even have mommy-musings, huh?  I bet a few of my family members out there have bets going on to see if this kid is born with cloven hooves and horns growing out of his head because, let’s face it, no mortal child could grow in my sulphuric, evil womb, so it has to be the devil’s child.  And I bet those same family members picture me trying to eat the little thing for nourishment as soon as it is born.  I have a great family.

ANYWAY, I am very excited to get this pregnancy over with and move on to the next phase of this whole thing.  I don’t regret a thing.  I just feel that I would have felt a huge emptiness in my life had I not experienced pregnancy and motherhood.  I promise I’ll try not to eat him, even if he does have little horns.