Jessie was complaining the other day that it had been a long time since I had written a rant-blog.  Although I have literally thousands of things about which I could rant right now (just watch the news!), I really don’t feel like it.  I really don’t feel like giving more attention to inept celebrities who consider their existence on this planet to mean more than what it actually is.  I really don’t want to express my horror in any sort of detail at how horrible people can be.  I’m trying to be happy right now.  I’m trying to enjoy my otherworldly calm about my impending life change.  I’ll have millions of things about which to rant after my son is born.  I promise I’ll get right on it after I explain how truly terrible childbirth really is, because if you’re going to hear the truth about it from anybody, it will be from me.

OK!  So poor miss Aschlie had to go through some torture at the hands of a horrible doctor and I feel for her!  My appointment was yesterday.  My doctor is really awesome, she can totally tell that I am sick to death of being pregnant, so she warned me that we were going to get to that cervix dammit and while we were in the process of destroying my innards, she was going to strip my membranes in the hopes that it would get things moving along.  So I’m lying on the table, stripped from the waist down, and she tells me to make fists and put them under my butt to get a better angle.  I try really really hard not to tense and try to find my happy place.  I never have a gay-assed picture of a meadow with stupid birds or anything when I go to a happy place.  My happy place is a large quiet room where I am alone and reading old tomes.  I was almost there, almost sitting in the old wingback chair when it was shattered by horrifying pain.  She had found my cervix, and apparently it is very far back because I would have bet that her fingers would have popped out of my butt if she moved them down just a touch.  She is obviously excited that she actually found it and she warns me that she’s getting ready to strip the membranes.  Heaven help me, that fucking hurt!  No, let me rephrase that.  It DID hurt, but it was such an unbelievably unpleasant feeling that I ended up making a weird squeaking noise.  “Almost done,”  she kept saying, but it seemed to last for friggin ever!  The doctor leaves my body and excitedly tells me that there has defintely been a change since last week and I am two centimeters.  I have another appointment at the buttcrack of dawn on Monday where she’ll check me again and schedule an induction, but she told me not to be surprised if I go into labor on my own before then.  Needless to say, I’m pretty excited.  I’ll be a mom in less than a week people!

My stomach is hurting right now, so I’m going to go pace around for a while and see if it goes away or brings about something else.  I mostly wanted to blog to let you guys know that I am still pregnant, not a mom yet.  Almost done.

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