Jessie:  “It tastes like pumpkin pie.  It’s really good!”

Me:  “I can’t wait until the Gingerbread Latte comes out.  Those are so good.”

Jessie:  “Or the Peppermint Latte…”

Me:  “JESSIE!!  We’re Starbucks bitches!  How the hell did this happen?”

Jessie:  *laughs*  “it’s just so good….”

Me:  “But we went a whole year without it getting to us!”

Jessie:  “It’s just so good.”

Me:  “We suck.”

I was up late last night with Lukas and I had the funniest little thought.  I was sitting there laughing to myself about Helen telling me that if Lukas continues to pull my hair to pull his back in order to show him that it’s not very fun to be on the receiving end of that abuse.  My thoughts then moved to Helen’s retort to Aschlie calling her a freak for pulling little kid’s hair and Helen saying to keep little kids away from Aschlie’s hair because it is so spikey it would cut their little hands.  So in my sleepless delirium, I came up with this:

HELEN’S LAW- Thou shalt not pull thy mother’s hair lest ye wish to have thine hair pulled in turn, or to be subjected to the torture of the lesbian’s hair.

It goes something like this:  Turkish people still to this day tell naughty children that if they misbehave, Vlad Dracula will come to them in the night and do unspeakable things to them.  Sick yes, but I was thinking that instead of using the whole Santa Clause thing (if you don’t be good I’ll call Santa and he won’t bring you any presents) we could threaten our children with the threat of the Stylish Lesbian’s spikey hair of doom!  So I have taken it to the level of being a total asshole and just may start telling my son that if he does not be good, the lesbians will come get him with their spikey hair!

NOTE:  Obviously I am an idiot and should not be taken seriously, but the thought of Aschlie going around head-butting bad little kids cracks me up.

I’ll start this blog out with a conversation I just had with my son.

ME:  “Lukas, do you mind explaining to me why you are being a horrendous grump?”

Lukas:  *Stops crying and makes an honest effort to eat my nose*

Already he knows how to get the last word because after a slobbering baby tries to eat your nose, there are no words.

I can’t watch the news anymore!  It seems that between the endless reports on Britney Spears, there are nothing but stories of parents killing their children.  The other night, I was lying in bed cuddling with Lukas and watching the news.  All of sudden I was attacked by endless stories of people killing their newborn babies.  One couple bludgeoned their newborn baby and threw it in a garbage can, another woman chopped her newborn baby into pieces and threw it in a river.  I just sat with my son in my arms crying like a baby.  We live in a sick fucking world!  It’s like when I was pregnant there was a big story in the news of a 9-month pregnant woman gone missing and they eventually found her murdered and her baby dead in her body.  This made some heartless network executive want to air a special about how pregnant women are sometimes abducted and their still living babies are cut from their bodies and the mothers are left to die.  I called Jessie at work bawling my eyes out after seeing that.  SICK!

On Jessie’s MySpace page, weird people are leaving comments about the birth of my son.  These are people I know knew Jessie in high school, but have never had a conversation with him in all the time I have been with him.  Why am I so uncomfortable with these strangers a) stalking Jessie and b) making comments about a very personal experience in our life?  I know since we kind of broadcast this stuff online we are asking for it, but Jessie doesn’t advertise his webpage so how the fuck are these people finding him?  They are googling him that’s how.  People are stalking him!  Weirdos.

People always talk about how they loved their baby instantly the moment the child was placed in their arms.  I was certain I would NOT be one of those people, because, you know, I can be a cold fish sometimes.  I was certain I would need a little time to get used to Lukas before I loved him completely.  I was wrong.  You think you know yourself and are proven wrong again and again.  Now truth be told, it wasn’t the moment the placed him in my arms.  At that moment I was fascinated with him.  I wanted to look at him all day, and I basically did.  He never left my bed unless he needed a diaper change.  They gave him to me for the first time and I stared at him for like and hour and then it was like this love for him was all of a sudden just there.  It wasn’t an explosion, it just kind of creeped in and I was so surprised that I loved him already.   We had a pediatrician’s appointment yesterday and I really wanted to smack a few of the kids running around the office and then smack their obnoxious parents.  So although I am a total mush when it comes to my beautiful and perfect baby, I’m glad that I still find other people’s brats annoying.  Seriously, if the public has to endure your children, can’t you make them behave?   One little brat in particular sat down right next to my baby and started playing with a really loud toy and kicking my baby’s car seat.  His stupid fucking mother sat on the other side of the room not even paying attention.  Jessie neutralized the situation by moving me and my baby to a safe location.  I think I scare him sometimes.  Why is that, I wonder?

On a final note, I must remember to always keep my hair pulled back.  When Lukas is grumpy, he likes to grab a handful and go to town and Jessie comes running in wondering why we are both screaming.  My perfect baby is a hair-puller.