Jessie:  *Munch.  Chew.  Bite Fork*

Me:  *Glare at Jessie for biting his fork and continue eating.*

Lukas:  *In next room babbling and playing in his jumperoo*

Jessie:  "What is that kid doing?"

Me:  "Being super cute."

Lukas:  "Whoopee!"

Taking his cues from Mickey Mouse I assume.

So I am filling out my undergraduate admissions application at WVU……..again.  I need to be readmitted because this awesome advisor is going to help me get this really cool degree through WVU so I don’t have to worry about what credits of mine will transfer and which won’t.  So I’m going back to school.  I always said I would.  I worked really hard in college and did really well.  I was on the National Dean’s List my last two years and I actually LOVED school.  My reasons for leaving were my own and I always felt bad that I had to do it, especially since people were so judgemental about it.  "You’re a college drop-out" is what I always saw in their eyes and it made me feel like shit.  But I always had it in the back of my head that I would go back…just to finish what I worked so hard to start.  I WAS going to wait until Lukas started going to school to do this, but I can do this with online courses and night classes, and that is great.  Here’s my plan FOR NOW:  get my Bachelor’s degree with an emphasis on both English Literature and Psychology, and then when Lukas starts school, apply at the University of Washington to get my Ph.D. in Psychology.  I wanted to do that back in WV, get my Ph.D. in Psychology, but other things came up and I had to drop that dream, but now I want it back!  I want to give a big ol’ finger to those assholes who always made me feel like a loser and MAKE them call me Dr. Canon.  Especially the asses I’m related to.  I won’t be starting until at least the fall, but Ireally want this for myself.  REALL REALLY want this.  The way this came about is that after Lukas was born, we got life insurance.  It got me to thinking that if something happened to Jessie, I’d have his life insurance, but that’s not enough for anything.  I’d basically be fucked and have this baby to take care of and the last thing I want to do is impose on anybody because I’m basically helpless without him.  I HATE that feeling.  I want to be able to take care of my son.  I want to be able to contribute to my family.  I don’t feel like I do anything as a housewife.  It’s VERY unrewarding when you’re married to a very nice but unappreciative husband.  When you’re a housewife and you work to keep your family well fed and clean, your job satisfaction comes when you see that you are appreciated, and I’m really not getting that.  I’ve gotta get out of this fucking house and do something with myself.  I need to go back to school and get a job.  I’m going batshit.

I have nothing to write about, I’m just bored.  Lukas is napping and I SHOULD be exercising and getting my fat ass to look a little more pleasing, but I’m comfortable sitting here right now…SO…..

I’m also expecting a response from a WVU advisor about how to finish my degree once and for all.  Now that Lukas has been born, I’ve decided that once he hits a certain age, this domestic wife shit ends.  I don’t like it.  I’m isolated and bored.  I find myself latching on to Jessie in a way that I find waay more annoying than he does.  I want to go to graduate school, get a career and do something that makes me feel as good as motherhood.  I want to be an individual again, not Jessie’s little wifey.  Screw that.

The diet and exercise thing are still going really well.  I haven’t messed up too badly.   Still exercising regularly and eating as well as I can muster.  The thing about me is, I really actually like to exercise.  I love the way I feel when I make myself do it and I love the way my body feels as it starts to tone up.  However, I HATE dieting.  Right now, I am on a low calorie diet to lose a little weight so I am basically eating frigging rabbit food and I hate it.  I’m taking about one day a week to eat something naughty and still try to stay in my calorie range.  Sometimes it is successful, sometimes not.  I just love to eat.  I keep seeing these completely gorgeous women who are round and carrying a little weight to them.  They are so comfortable in their skin, so comfortable with their bodies and they eat some healthy portions at meantime.  I wish I could be comfortable with a body that would let me eat what I want, but I’m not.  My problem is that I am a bit of a perfectionist and a self-loather.  I hate that I am not as perfect as the magazines at the grocery store tell me I should be.  Why can you not see all the bones in my body like the magazines say are what’s beautiful?  I’m torn because I find that body type to be very un-feminine yet I want to be what is expected of me.  Does that make sense?  Oh to have lived 50-60 years ago back when women like Elizabeth Taylor and Marilyn Monroe were considered the most beautiful women.  I watched Cleopatra with Jessie this weekend and I am always awestruck by how GORGEOUS Elizabeth Taylor was in that movie.  By today’s standards, she was a porker back then, but really it looked soft, round, and very womanly.  Why are women that more or less resemble boys with breast implants the gold standard today?  I always feel an inch tall when I hear a guy talk about how hot super skinny girls are and how they hate fat chicks.  What the hell?  I rarely hear women, REAL women (not those barbie doll idiots on Girls Gone Wild) refuse to see a man based on his looks.  In my experience, good looking guys know it and are a waste of time.  It’s the more average looking guy, not the supermodel guy who gives you a bigger bang for your buck.  They have personality and are kind and caring.  I’m not saying Jessie is ugly, so stop it!  I think he is very good looking, but I’m sure we’ll never see him on the cover of a magazine.  I lost my train of thought…..I seem to have caught Helen’s Disease.  Uhhh….oh nevermind!

Oh well, I just wanted to blog for a minute, now I guess I’d better get my jiggly butt moving.  Got a lot of sweating to do and some fatness to lose.  Buh Bye.