Chef Robert Irvine was fired.

I like this guy.  His show was actually kind of awesome.  I tried to catch it every Wednesday.  Sad thing is, when you lie on a resume, you get fired.  I have to agree with the article and say that Food Network should have demanded a public apology from him, slapped him on the wrist, and continued his show.  It was a hit and the guy is an ACTUAL CHEF (unlike fucking Ray-Tard).  I mean, Food Network has totally jumped on the "Let’s put every douchebag who wants to be famous on our channel" bandwagon.  This country has been scraping the bottom of the barrel for entertainment for quite a while, so why not let that one slide?  Just adjust the man’s bio and pretend like it never happened.  But really, this makes Food Network look really stupid.  When the man came to them with a resume that outstanding, why did they not check it out?  Aren’t you supposed to do follow-ups on resumes?  Did some dumbass look at the thing and just decide to hire him on the spot?  You HAVE to check references and make a few phone calls.  It’s part of being thorough and, oh I don’t know….SMART.  So they fired a very talented chef who actually had a good show going on…and they are fucking keeping Ray-Tard and her three shows.  Motherfuck.

So here’s my solution:  one of the only other shows I religiously watch on that channel is Barefoot Contessa.  I’ve tried many of her recipes and trust me when I say this woman DESERVES her own show.  So here’s my way of being a internet ass wipe. 

Dear Ina,

I love you and your show.  Your food is delicious and I deeply adore your style.  So what’s the deal with that loser you’re with?  I’m referring to Food Network.  How can someone of your caliber and style be on the same network as Rachel Ray?  I’m begging you, please move to another network so I don’t feel so dirty when I watch your show.  Food Network has joined the ranks of Fox and Bravo.  You are better than that.  I’ll follow you wherever you go…except Fox or Bravo. 

Sincerely,

An Interent Ass Wipe

If you had told me ten years ago that I would be married to Jessie Canon (who ten years ago was dating my best friend) and that we would live in Seattle and have a son together, I would not believe it.  I never wanted to have a long term serious relationship before I had established myself as a successful professional in a big city.  But I’ll be damned if I didn’t start dating this guy when I was 18, and I haven’t been able to get rid of him! 

Here we are in late 2001.  Before we both got fat.

2002.  Still not fat.

2003.  Getting fat…..oddly that correlates with us living together.

2004..thinner and happier.  Thank you zoloft!

2005.  Yeah, yeah.  That whole wedding thing happened in 2005, but we did other stuff too…like Jessie bachelor party that we all threw for him.

2006.  Our last day on the east coast and SO HAPPY to be leaving.  Both of us have bad hair.

2007, we were no longer a couple, but a family. 

2008.  Both still a little chubby, but coming to terms with it.

I realize that in the bigger scheme of things that 7 years is merely a drop in the bucket, but it is a very long time for me.  I’m only 25 years old and I’ve found the love of my life.  I find it comforting that I didn’t have to spend precious years of my youth going from loser to loser to find a prince among turds. 

"You just do it and I’ll divorce you!"

"Yeah, well I’ll move to the beach and you’ll have to stay here!"

"No I won’t, because I’ll marry a man that makes a lot of money and I’ll move into the bigger nicer house next to yours at the beach and keep my windows open so you can hear me and my sexy new husband having sex all the time!"

"Oh yeah?  Well you go ahead and keep those windows open and you might hear me and MY new husband having sex!"

When we were having this verbal smack down I was in the kitchen doing something, not really even paying attention to the conversation, but when he said that last part, the most vivid mental image came into my head like a slap to the face.  I’ll spare you the details suffice it to say that Jessie looks pretty comfortable bent over a bath tub.