"Whatever.  You can’t even get it up."

"Well not with that attitude!  You’ve gotta be the penis cheerleader!"  *starts dancing and jumping around*  "GO PENIS GO!  GO!  GO!  GO!  GO!  GO PENIS GO!  YAAAY!"

Jessie has a pair of lounge pants with Mario on them.  He bought them either late in my pregnancy or not long after Lukas was born.  He bought them because, obviously, they feature Mario.  He wore them all the time, and I had to wrestle them away from him a couple times to wash them.  Then, one day, I had finished a load of laundry late at night and decided to just throw the laundry on the floor to be put away the next day.  I rooted through the laundry to find something to wear to bed and saw the Mario pants.  Just out of convenience I put them on and OH.  MY.  GOD.  they were so comfortable.  Lounge pants can tend to be really thick, especially men’s lounge pants, but not the Mario pants.  They are thin, but still warm.  They don’t have a really thick waist band like men’s pants sometimes have.  They are loose, and comfy, and we now have an ongoing war over the damned things.  When I do laundry and put away clothes, I am a good wife and put the pants in Jessie’s drawer.  However, if he is not quick to claim the pants for his own that night, I swipe them up and wear them to bed, thus making them useless until the next washing.  I usually win this contest, but I have a heart as well.  When Jessie had the flu, I swallowed hard and made the magnanimous gesture of allowing him to wear the Mario pants.  He was deeply touched by the enormity of that donation. 

Last night we discussed custody rights over the pants.  You know, if we were to get a divorce would I allow him to have visitation rights to the pants?  I would consider it, but he would NEVER get full custody of the pants.  NEVER.  I will keep my lawyer quite busy fighting over those pants.  Those Mario pants will NEVER leave me, and the only way he’ll get them is if he wrenches them from my cold, dead hands (RIP Charlton Heston)!  So we came to the conclusion that the best thing to do is to stay together for the sake of the pants, that way we both get to enjoy them and not have to put them in the middle of a very ugly legal battle.  Even if things with this marriage go to hell, we’ll stay together for those pants…..until the last two threads split. 

Jessie wearing the pants.  And yes it was necessary to post a picture of his buttcrack.

Me wearing the Mario pants.  You can tell it’s me from the horrific stretch marks…….aww…look how little Lukas was! 

"Admit it."

"I don’t know what you’re talking about."

"ADMIT IT."

*sigh* "Ok, I ate shrimp tails out of someone else’s garbage bowl and embarrassed my wife at Red Lobster because I am a fat piece of shit Hobo Hoppie."