I believe I have held my tongue long enough.  It is time we address something…..a great wrongdoing.  You people are fucking up the Oreo!  Even Nabisco, the makers of this heavenly cookie are doing an injustice to this piece of heaven by its advertising.

The cookie alone is wonderful…chocolatey, perfect consistency, and just lovely.  The creme is just sweet enough withouth making me gag and is just a joy to break down in my mouth.  Together, the cookie and creme are perfection.  Get it?  TOGETHER!  To fully get the beauty of the Oreo, you have to eat them together.  Stop with this stupid breaking up of the Oreo!  Stop eating the creme out of the middle only to be disappointed that the cookie is not what it should be!  STOP IT!  And Nabisco needs to stop airing these ridiculous "How To" commercials that show women eating the cream out of the middle (and using their tongues too liberally to the point that it looks disgustingly sexual) and just say "We make the #1 cookie in the whole country.  We don’t need fancy advertising. You guys already love them."  And seriously, that would be enough.  Seriously. 

I’ll tell you how to eat an Oreo.  The right way.  Make sure you have an undamaged Oreo.  If you happen upon a broken Oreo, stuff it in your mouth and chew until you find the perfect cookie.  Then dunk it in ice cold milk up to your fingers for EXACTLY four seconds.  One-one-thousand.  Two-one-thousand.  Three-one-thousand.  Four-one-thousand. Remove and promptly eat.  With the cookie just soft enough without being mushy and the creme still intact, you will taste the glory of what was meant to be tasted in an Oreo.  Stop using your bottom teeth to scrape the creme out.  Leave it there!  You assholes are ruining a perfectly good cookie. 

It’s 10:42 p.m. and I am in what sounds to be a very severe war zone.  Imagine the sound of literally thousands of upper middle class people setting off their VERY expensive fireworks all around you.  Imagine your baby is in bed sleeping and every time one of these rich douchebags lets off one of those gigantic fireworks (akin to those big ones they let off at Disney World) it lets off a huge boom and you run to the baby monitor to make sure your child is still sound asleep because that last particular douchebag lives about 200 yards away from you.  This will continue until about 1 a.m.  This is crazy.  This is my third July 4th here, and I’m still not used to it.  You know how just abut everything is illegal in WV?  Well just about NOTHING is illegal here, and if it is, nobody heeds the law.  And then there are the rednecks across the street who will be letting off their ridiculously loud whistling fountains at 2 in the morning and whooping and hollering and spilling their Bud Light all over the road.  I officially hate this blog post as much as I hate this state.  I’m whining and hating on everybody when I really don’t mean it.  I need a nap. 

That’s the update.  Still alive.  I’ve got nothin’.