Aschlie!  (That’s her in the back dancing.  The person in the foreground looking like they are getting ready to go down on someone is Helen, my other good friend.)  As requested, Aschlie has proven that she is, by far, my most worthy fan. 

I’ve been good friends with Aschlie sice the 6th or 7th grade.  She’s one of only two friends from my girlhood that I talk to regularly and who doesn’t purposely try to make me rip my hair out from frustration.  I love her very much and I am lucky to still have her in my life.

We both loved the band very much.  I didn’t love it quite as much as her, nor did I lust for the band director (she did.)  I have such colorful and terrific memories of parades, games, and concerts that include her.  We used to have so much fun making fun of our football players in the band stands, or doing stuff to purposely get on the band director’s nerves.  She used to give me nightmares from showing off how she could fit the entire mouthpiece from a sousaphone in her mouth.  That mouthpiece was enormous and she made it look easy. 

We spent almost an entire week once sitting on her trampoline playing with fake food and play dishes.  I made her laugh so hard once that she peed her pants and it got all over the trampoline.  I laughed so hard as a result that I nearly peed my own pants. 

She was never really a “girly” girl.  We had to practically threaten to tie her down so that we could doll her up and take pretty-girl pictures of her for her then boyfriend.  He doesn’t have those pictures anymore.  I know that because I asked him if he still had them before we got married.  That’s right, I married my best friend’s ex-boyfriend.  I felt bad about it for a while.  Then she came out to me and I was all like, “Really?  Wow…hmm.  That makes sense.  Oh, God, you want my body, don’t you?”  To which my tactful friend replied, “Oh please.  Get over yourself.  Well…if you’d like to flash me your boobs that might be ok.”

I once sat and watched this girl put away 3 lbs. of crab legs.  All of this was going on while I was busy stuffing my face with an equal amount of peel-n-eat shrimp.  It’s like we were meant to be…but it took me about 5 years to get to a point where I could eat shrimp again.

And not for the embarrassing pictures.  I told her I had them, so here they are!! 

After I snapped this picture, she informed me that she was going to kick my ass.  I believed her but have chosen to hoard the photo in case I needed it some day. 

This is probably the best picture that I have of her.  After we graduates high school, Aschlie, another friend and myself all drove to Virginia Beach and had a great time.  Aschlie spend a lot of time on her laptop, and on the phone talking to her uhh…”lover.” This picture is of her on the phone and pretending to touch herself to creep me out.  As revenge I took a picture of it and have kept it for these 8 years.  Also on that trip, each of us got a piercing.  Aschlie got her tongue pierced, but when she was informed that she couldn’t French kiss for about two weeks, she said “Fuck this” and removed the bar from her tongue and pierced her eyebrow instead.  Ahh, memories.

So Aschlie wins and maintains her status as my #1 fan.  I love you, muffin, and thanks for playing!

Here’s Aschlie’s winning essay.  Enjoy!

Dear Saint Somer, (It’s best to start my ass kissing from the very beginning)

Let me start by saying first, there is really not a competition here. I do not have ANY doubt that I AM YOUR GREATEST READER! I am your WV stalker. No one comes near my total devotion to you. If one doubts my greatness, they need only scroll through your posts. Whose comments are on nearly all posts? ASCHLIE; that’s right, bitches!
My obsession with your posts is nearly a mental disease. I need your posts as much as a heroin addict needs his/her drug. My “tract marks” are the comments left behind. When I found out you started a new site, what did I do? Oh yes…I became addicted to it also. I do not cook, but just seeing your words (and pictures) are enough to give me my high.
My proof that I am the best will be my words against the other readers.
Helen: Helen used to be a close competitor. However, she went and got knocked up and her computer sucks, so she is left behind as my addiction grows by the day.
Brandon: He is your brother and a very good guy, but let’s face it…he is no ASCHLIE! (Hi Brandon!)
A couple of posts ago, people I don’t know left comments:
Unknown Readers: You have years to even come close to my total devotion. Don’t even try or an ass kicking from WV will be unleashed upon you.
Now, if that’s not enough proof, I am not above using blackmail to win the title “Greatest Reader.” I will just simply say that I know who scared a mentally retarded boy on the Elk Creek Bridge. I also know who helped me scare dozens of small children in Staley every day after school. I know who puked on Helen’s blind dog, Shadow. I know all of the stories from our drunken days and not above telling Lukas when he’s old enough to want to get drunk for the first time.
There are two other things I would like to mention right now. First, I am so totally devoted to you that I am supposed to be reading nearly 100 pages for my History class before I take a quiz due Sunday, but would rather spend time writing this and making sure I win the title of being your Greatest Reader. And secondly, even though this really has nothing to do with reading your posts, I should be championed the Greatest Reader because (do you hear that drum roll in the distance?) your husband was the first guy to touch my boobs! No other reader can claim that (unless Helen really IS a whore)! HE’S MY JESSIE, DAMN IT! I’d like to see someone else try to beat that!
For all of the said reasons, I am your greatest reader. I am totally devoted to you and only you. I have given up my only other blog site because you are my number one drug of choice. All of the other readers need to bow out gracefully because they do not compare to my worshipping of you.

Thank you for being my heroin,
Aschlie
AKA: Your WV stalker

Lukas is a little sick.  It’s nothing serious or scary (now), he’s just got a little cold.  Usually, Lukas is a mini lunatic wreaking havoc and denying almost all of my attempts at affection, but today….wow. 

Nobody likes having a sick kid.  My heart breaks for my poor little boy when he coughs or when I see that he’s getting a fever or feeling down.  I want him better and I want him acting like a normal psychotic toddler again.  BUT, oh my goodness you guys, this kid is a snuggle bug.  He blows me sleepy kisses, he lays his head on my shoulder, he lets me hug and kiss him, and he cuddles with me.  It’s like I got an affectionate and loving child in place of the fiercely independent monster that usually storms through my day.

Today he was having quiet time on the couch with me.  He was sitting on my lap and his head was resting on my shoulder.  His tiny hands were twiddling with my fingers and my would occasionally look at me and smile.  My son is acting like he loves me.  He’s acting like all that I do that usually goes unnoticed is actually appreciated.  Oh, joy.  Those nine months of hell and 16 hours of labor are actually paying off…..in a storybook manner at least. 

I remember always being one of those people who was grossed out by little kids.  They were loud, annoying, and just weird.  My mom always told me, “Just you wait.  When it’s your own child, it’s completely different.”  As usual, I thought she was full of shit.  BUT, my mom was right (she’s going to print this out and frame it.)  I still am not all about hanging out with other people’s kids.  They make me uncomfortable and I’ve never really hung out with the children of those close to me.  But Lukas.  Oh, my Lukas.  That child is my sunshine.

When he’s sick and affectionate, it’s out of the ordinary and wonderful, but it’s also wonderful to watch him spinning around in circles in the middle of the floor making motor sounds or staring out the window and screaming at the rednecks across the street.  It’s wonderful when he runs at me full force and tackles my legs and holds on to my knees making growling sounds.  It’s wonderful when he wants me to pick him up so he can get a better view of the world on the other side of the window.  It’s even wonderful when he pushes me away when I try to kiss him or when he squirms and squeals when I hug him.  I love him no matter how he is.  I’m his mother and I love when he is kind enough to show some affection, but I love him just as much (if not more) when he is that nutty kid who finds it hilarious to belch in public and act like he doesn’t know me.  These little days when he is affectionate and quiet are little things that I can hold on to and use it to torture him later.  Such as:

“Oh you think you’re so damned smart!  Well when you were little you would let me hug and kiss you when you were sick!  You even blew me kisses!  How’s that for tough, you little smart ass?”

Oh, I’m anticipating the teen years.  But he’s my boy.  He will always be MY boy.  Good or bad, he’s mine and I think he’s wonderful.  Affectionate or pushing me away, he makes me smile.  I have never questioned my decision to have him since his birth.  I have never regretted him.  When he lets me kiss his head as he goes down for a nap or when he lets me hug him when he eats all his breakfast, that’s all I need.  Today, I guess I’m just overwhelmed.  This kid DOES know that I love him.  He realizes on some level how much he means to me.  That’s just great.

Whilst doing my usual blog perusing, I came across some green blogs (I love reading green blogs to help expand my eco-consciousness) and I read an article that convinced me that I need to go off the grid, live in the woods, make everything myself and NEVER EVER buy another piece of plastic for the rest of my life because I am a horrible person who is responsible for the death and disfigurement of the marine life in all of the oceans.  Read the article here.  It’s 6 pages long, but once you start reading it, you won’t be able to stop (the picture of that turtle on the page 2!) 

This is the original post that led me on my eco-trip today.

What really pisses me off is all the hubbub about recycling your plastic and not letting it go into a landfill only to find out that most plastics can’t be recycled anyhow.  Not the way I thought, at least.  I know that plastic is convenient and cheap, but at what cost?  This is something that, at this point, is so huge that there’s no short or easy fix.  It’s almost impossible to avoid buying plastic.  It’s everywhere.  But the thing that we NEED to remember is that small steps DO count.  I see people get discouraged over pricing, and over being inconvenienced and feeling that a change is just too much.  That’s bullshit and it’s a lazy cop-out.  I’m sorry, but it is. 

These blogs are written by everyday people who do what they can.  They aren’t all doing extremes and their posts give insight into the small things you can do.  If enough people do the small things, it starts to add up.  So here, a list of eco-blogs, more specifically, non-plastic blogs.  Don’t judge them before looking at them.  This is something that I think about a lot.  My son gets to inherit a mess left to him by the previous generations and I want him to be able to know how to address the mess in a knowledgeable and effective way.  But seriously, I might be serious about the hermit thing.  Off in a shack making my own jarred food and my own soap and eating fresh organic food grown in my own garden.  My own Eden. 

Life Less Plastic

Fake Plastic Fish

Citizen Green

The UnPlastic Life

Plasticless

Here are a couple of little items that you can use forever that help to reduce plastic:

Reusable baggies (they replace Ziploc and the like and they are CUTE)

Glass Straw (I have a toddler, so straws are a huge thing in this house and you can keep one in your bag and use it instead of the plastic ones when you eat out!)

Aluminum Water Bottle (They sell these literally EVERYWHERE.  They are affordable and easy to find.)

Tiffin Box  (These are so awesome.  You can use these for lunch, OR if you can talk the people into it, you can use it for takeout and you are minimizing a ton of waste!  Also, If you go to a restaurant and need a box for your leftover food, instead of using those styrofoam containers, keep a tiffin with you and use it instead!  They are used in India as an everyday lunch box.  They have a bunch of compartments that fit together.  COOL.)

Just at least have a look into this stuff.  Like I said, every little bit DOES count and you want to do your part, right?