Lukas is talking more and more these days.  It seems that every week he has a new little word or phrase that amuses us endlessly until the new phrase pops up.  You’re familiar with his excitement over the sound a bee makes (thanks to a fucking Winnie the Pooh book).  He also loves walking up to things, pointing at them, and screaming their name at them.  For example, he knows Bootsey’s name so he loves to walk up to her, point at her, look at me, and scream “BOOOOOO!” 

He also knows what a baby and a boy are (we’re still working on girl.)  We were at Toys ‘R Us a couple of weeks ago because that was the only store that sold a special sunscreen for his scalp (baby with red hair people! He’s like a beacon for skin cancer.  If they made SPF 10,000,000 I would buy it for him).  Jessie took him to the part of the store that has the toy trains set up because Lukas LOVES these things.  Well, according to Jessie (Daddy) another little boy decided to play with the trains too.  Lukas walked right up to this little boy, pointed at him and started screaming “BEEE!  BEEEE!”  (Pssst.  That’s toddler talk for boy.)  Jessie said this poor kid got creeped out and left.  I laughed really hard.

He likes to do it to us as well.  He’ll walk up to me and point and start screaming “MAAAAAA!”  Or he’ll walk up to Jessie and scream “DAAAAA!”  Look, we’re so excited that he’s talking that we don’t mind the screaming.  Much.

Well the reason that I am finally talking about all of this is because this week’s phrase is the funniest by far.  When we change his diaper, if there’s more in there besides wetness (I don’t want to say POOP) we always exclaim, “OH GOD” because it makes Lukas laugh.  Well this morning as I was getting Lukas into a fresh diaper when he first woke up, he looked at me and said clear as a bell “OH GOH!”  He did it every time I changed his diaper today.  

Tonight at dinner, I was telling Jessie this funny little story.  Lukas was eating in his high chair and he dropped a piece of food.  He looked at us and said “OH GOH!” 

Let me just say that I am SO glad that it wasn’t “OH GOD-FUCKING-DAMN-IT-SON-OF-A-WHORE-BITCH!”  Because he’s heard that phrase more than once.

On one of the odd beautiful days we were having last week, I was sitting outside with Lukas while he played happily in the grass.  I was sitting in a cheap resin chair watching him and feeling very happy and relaxed when all of a sudden a GIGANTIC bee started flying at my face.  I don’t really like bees.  This could be because if they sting me I swell up and turn black, but who knows?

Anyway, I started making spaztic motions and finally yelled, “GODDAMNIT BEE!”  Which sent Lukas running over to me at full speed.  He slammed into my knee, almost knocking me backwards in my crappy chair.  He was pointing excitedly and screaming “BZZZ!  BZZZ!  BZZZ!” 

So yeah, he knows what a bee says.

When Jessie and I were living in our first place together, he had this large aquarium that housed an aquatic turtle.  This thing got so disgusting that I refused to ever clean it.  It was basically a load of turtle shit, old food, and turtle sheddings.  It smelled just awful.  Jessie used to use this weird pump thing that you hooked up to a hose and then a faucet that would drain the water using suction (he had bought it for a water bed he used to have) and drain the dirty water and then dump a bunch of bleach in the tank and scrub it out before rinsing a few times and refilling the tank and reintroducing the turtle.  One time he decided to  forego the pump thingy and syphon the water out by sucking on the hose until the water started draining.  The suck method worked fine when he initially drained the dirty water, but he started having problems when he was trying to drain the dirty-bleach water.  I kept telling him that he should get the pump thingy and let that do the work.  Every time I said this, he would give me an annoyed look and go back to sucking on this hose.  I eventually gave up until I heard the air bubble in the hose break and saw Jessie snork down about a cup and a half of dirty, bleachy, tank water.  He gasped twice, ran for the front door, and barfed all over our front porch.  The only thing I could say to him was, “You puked on the PORCH?!??!”  7 years later and he still hasn’t lived that one down.  If only he had listened.

Last night we were sitting out on our back deck playing with Lukas.  I had made lime Jello earlier because I thought it would be a nice cool dessert for Lukas (and us) on a hot day.  I gave Jessie his little dish and sat on the ground with Lukas so I could feed him his Jello.  I was showing Lukas how to slurp up Jello like a vacuum and I slurped up a particularly large piece that made Jessie laugh.  He inhaled a piece of Jello and started coughing.  He coughed a lot which made Lukas go over to him in concern to see if he was ok.  That’s when Jessie jumped up and puked all over our effing patio (almost puking on Lukas).  That makes two times this guy has puked all over a porch of ours.  I’m just really glad that a) he didn’t puke on Lukas and b) none of the neighbors were outside at the time.  Poor Lukas started crying and ran to me.  I whisked him inside and sat on the couch with him and fed him the rest of his Jello while Jessie composed himself.  He came into the living room with us and sat down looking quite sheepish before I had the opportunity to start laughing hysterically.  Her laughed too, and Lukas laughed and we had a lovely family moment.  I can’t help but wonder how many more times, in the years to come, this guy will barf on our porches.