4 Days
Last night, Jessie and I were in our bedroom. I was packing away clothes and Jessie was lying in bed watching TV. It’s not because Jessie was being lazy, it was because if he helped me pack clothes, he would crumple the clothes into balls and smoosh them into the suitcases.
I was in our walk-in closet (I’m sad to leave that behind. I don’t have a lot of clothes, but it’s been nice for storage) and I thought I saw a gigantic spider out of the corner of my eye. I spun around and prepared to run to Jessie screaming like a little girl, but I saw nothing.
Oh yeah, have I told you guys that I am REALLY scared of spiders? It’s not like a scream and jump on a chair scared, I have a physical reaction to spiders. I get nauseous and have the overwhelming need to cry for my mommy. No joke. I’m a huge arachnophobe and the fact that I want to cry for my mommy is hilarious because she’s as bad as I am. I have this memory that still makes me laugh:
We were living in the little house in Adamston and I was in my bedroom being a teenager and my mom was in the basement (which was directly below my bedroom) doing laundry. There was no insulation between the two floors and I could hear what she was doing quite clearly. I heard her EEP. Then I heard her EEP again. Then I heard her scream bloody murder. I screamed down to my floor,
“What’s the matter?”
“AHHHHH!”
“MOM! What?”
“SPIDER!”
I decided not to go down. Because I’m an asshole like that. I had big round hairy spiders drop down on me in that basement too. I would have gladly set myself on fire to get them off of me.
Oh yeah, back to the story from last night.
I had just finished for the night and was preparing to get back in bed when I noticed an ENORMOUS spider sitting in the corner by our door.
“JESSIE THERE IS AN ENORMOUS SPIDER BY THE DOOR.”
Jessie cautiously approached the doorway, looked at me and said, “Yes that’s a big spider.”
“KILL IT.”
So Jessie goes foraging in the nearby area to find a proper enormous-spider-killing-tool. He tries to use a toilet brush. After I informed him that if he killed that enormous spider with a toilet brush, I would throw the thing in the garbage (it’s good enough to scrub toilets, but if there are enormous spider bits on it, it has to go in the garbage!) He then came out with a plunger. And guess what? He tried to kill it with the tip of the handle! I warned him that if he did it that way he would miss it and it would run away. Of course he didn’t listen to me. It’s a Canon-Man thing to assume they know better than the women folk. And of course he missed and the enormous spider got away and ran under our dresser.
I frantically informed Jessie that I was NOT going to be sleeping in that room unless he found and killed the spider. Jessie grumbles an bitches that if I’d just let him use the toilet brush, blah blah blah. At this point, I had run into our bathroom and watched in terror as he pulled furniture away from walls and pulled clothes out of drawers trying to find the beast. I was feeling nauseous and trying not to cry for my mommy.
After 15 minutes, Jessie finally did find the beast IN MY BED. He killed it bravely and asked for a cup in which to house the body. This was the third gigantic spider we had seen in a week and we wanted to ensure that it wasn’t a venomous spider for Lukas’ sake. Jessie went downstairs while I tried to collect myself and talk myself into agreeing to sleep in my bed. I went down after a 10 minute wait. He had found the name of the beast and it isn’t venomous or any threat to humans or pets. But the name…..do you want to know what the name of this spider is? The Giant House Spider. The word “giant” is in the name! Talk about fear-mongering nomenclature! GIANT! Holy fuck!
I’ve been on edge all day, waiting for a relative of the defeated beast to come out of the corners of my house and beat me up….or worse….crawl on my foot. Giant House Spider. Good God.
Jessie is my beast-slaying hero.
helen said,
August 27, 2009 @ 9:06 am
i’m not afraid of spiders but i would have been a little nervous to go to bed too… This past mothers day i woke up b 4 dennis and i had to let the dog out and as soon as i opened the door to let her out a BABY mouse ran in… this thing was SO little, and i noticed it right away and in my head i was thinking wow what a little mouse but that is not what came out of my mouth…. a high pitched little bitch scream is all i could do, i wanted to sick the cats on it but then i didnt think they would respond to sick’em…. but i was pretty lucky Connor must have spotted it the same time i did and he pounced on it, and took it to the laundry room to play with it… i was amazed at what a little sissy i am when it comes to mice…lol… and how i could not stop myself from screaming…
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Somer Canon Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Mice honestly don’t scare me quite as bad as spiders. With mice I worry about disease….but I’m ok. I would have still squealed like a baby if one ran by my feet though!
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helen said,
August 27, 2009 @ 9:11 am
i forgot to put that it’s funny when you get that nervous, scared feeling you (myself included) want your mommy….. and my mom has the same reaction to mice as i do…lol..
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Aschlie said,
August 27, 2009 @ 9:45 am
Last week I was driving in my car going to work. I had the heater on to defog my front window. Well, the heat must have chased a spider out of the vent because it leaped from the front vent where the window is to the panel of plastic that lines the window. IT SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME! So I immediately pull of of the side of the road (in Mt. Clare). I jumped out of my car and start frantically looking for something to kill it with. Well, I couldn’t find anything, lol. I had a hat, but it was in the corner of the window, and a hat would have missed it.
So I ran to the other side of the car (closing my door so a passing car didn’t take the door off). I had my aluminum bottle that I drink water out of, and thought, “This might work.” So I picked it up and tried to smash the spider…..I….Missed….and it jumped on the driver seat! Then it jumped and I lost it….let’s just say now I was never getting back in my car. However, I had to go to work..so I took my hat, opened all the doors (carefully looking where I put my hand just in case the spider was there), and started beating my car seats with my hat. I never saw it again. But I was sooooo paranoid to get in my car.
Eventually I slowly slid into the driver’s seat, carefully looking around to see if I saw it. I put all of my windows down and drove as fast as I could to work thinking, “If the spider moves, hopefully it will be sucked out the window by the wind!!!” So after I got off work, it was sooooo hot inside my car, I thought there was no way it would be alive after that! But I carefully took my hat and beat my seats again just in case. I’m good now, but for about 3 days, I was paranoid in the morning with the heat vents, LOL….
I HATE SPIDERS!!!
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Somer Canon Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 10:25 am
I would have called someone and had them DRIVE ME TO WORK. LOL. I hate spiders.
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Just some random person... promise said,
August 27, 2009 @ 1:05 pm
Your husband sounds so brave! You should totally give him sex for doing that!!
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Somer Canon Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Hmmm….I’m just wondering if the two minutes it always takes for my husband to “perform” would be enough to show my real gratitude.
I was thinking I’d bake him a cake actually!
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Aschlie said,
August 28, 2009 @ 7:00 am
I’m thinking Jessie is the random person….honestly, lol
Two minutes??? Shelley used to say I was quicker than a commercial break. I told her if I got it more than 2 times a year, I could build up stamina, LOL! So give it up more to Jessie…for stamina purposes, of couse!
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Somer Canon Reply:
August 28th, 2009 at 10:17 am
I’ll be nice to Jessie and say simply, YOU DON’T KNOW THE HALF OF IT.
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Aschlie said,
August 28, 2009 @ 1:29 pm
LOL!
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