In the mail today was something beautiful for me. Not only was it a gift from one of my wonderful fan/stalkers, it was also a metaphorical middle finger pointed right at Jessie. I opened the box and immediately started laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my face.
As I said to Jessie, “I believe you just got served!” How dare anybody, even my own husband, try to trump the devotion of my super fans with a super site? Well I guess this will serve as a warning.
Also, I must admit, while the super site is great, I can’t drink delicious hot cocoa out of it! I think the Super Fans once again have superiority!
I had another one of those dreams last night that disturbed and bothered me so much that when I woke up I wanted to come looking for you. I looked at the clock and saw that it was after 6 a.m. You were gone. But then I heard you shuffling around. You’d slept in again and were in a hurry. There was no time to baby the scared little wife.
The Dream
It was about the “what if” guy. The guy from my past who, during bad times in our relationship leads me to wonder “what if things had worked out differently.” I came to be really attached to the idea of my “what if” guy during those dark years when a job took you from me and I was merely a ghost in your life. Loneliness would set in and, all alone in a place far away from all I ever knew, my mind would wander to the “what if’s”.
The dream last night gave me an insight into a more realistic view of those fantastical scenarios. It made me remember things from those days past that I had forgotten….or chosen to block out. I hold on to the memory of this guy because there was no real resolve at the end. It was fast and you were right there to pick up the beat to keep me from contemplating the true nature of those innocent encounters. I think I’ve held on to it this long simply because I’d forgotten what I really was to him. A dirty little secret. Secret smiles and glances, secret meetings in back rooms…back then that seemed exciting and intriguing. Now I see it for what it was. Something to be hidden. In a dream, it came to me. I put way more into that relationship than he did. And I look like a damned idiot for it. I AM a damned idiot.
You’ve never made me feel like you were ashamed of me. You’ve never hidden me away. I’ve always been right at your side as your full partner. You’ve always been proud to have me by you. I forget that sometimes.
I’m writing this to tell you that I’m letting him go. I’m done living in that past and daydreaming about things that could have been. I’m done thinking about someone who has no idea that he’s anything more than a distant friend. I’ve always been in this with you, but that little secret part of me would always run to the “what if’s” when things weren’t going so well. Not anymore. I’ll put more work into trying to make the bad times better instead of drawing inside of myself.
I know I’m not the only person to have a “what if” guy, be he real or imagined. That doesn’t make it any better and truth be told, it’s been harder on me and my long term sanity than anything. I’m sorry that I let a bunch of diluted memories trump you and you real devotion to this relationship and to me. So, so sorry.
When you get home tonight, I just want to snuggle into you and cry. Let out all of these unresolved feelings that need to be let go of once and for all. I want to tell you how glad I am that it’s you coming home to me from your job. How glad I am that it’s you to tell all my secrets to. How glad I am that things DID work out the way that they did. That whole question of “what if” can go right to hell. If I take my head out of my ass long enough to take a good look at my reality, I’ll see that it’s better than those fantasies…even with all the bad parts.
I had a Dr. appointment today. The crap started when I was going through the motions with a very kind and well-intentioned nurse.
“I see you have vomitting issues. That’s ok, you’re at 14 weeks and it will end soon!”
“Actually, I have HG and the bad part about that is that it WON’T end soon.”
“Oh, did you have problems with your first pregnancy like that?”
“Yes. I had to be on Zofran my entire pregnancy.”
“Oh that’s not fun! Let’s hope it doesn’t happen like that this time!”
She was so bubbly and cute, I didn’t have the heart to yell at her. I just nodded and smiled. Then….THEN the doctor came in.
I won’t torture myself with the details of our conversation inside of that little room. Let me just say that my doctor indeed did give me a prescription for Zofran simply because I was complaining of vomitting. He didn’t do it because he was familiar with HG or because he even believed that I was suffering from something other than morning sickness. He is one of those doctors who will throw a prescription at you to shut you up. That upsets me greatly. GREATLY.
He belittled me. He questioned me. He, like the bubbly nurse, informed me that my nausea should be ending soon and I’ll be feeling great in no time! He didn’t do it in a mean-spirited way. I would have been able to counter that immediately. No, he did it in a way that suggests that if he knows anything about HG, it is an antiquated knowledge that would suggest that we HG sufferers are all big babies who cry every time we have a tummy ache.
I have to take that kind of attitude from family members who never see me. I have to take that kind of shit from people who know little or nothing about me. But having to suffer that kind of attitude from my healthcare provider has me a little panicked. I won’t fire him yet. He’s a nice little man and he seems to be on board with the fact that I am a control freak and that my birth plan WILL be done THE WAY I WANT IT. That’s good. He never once tried to talk me out of a VBAC and he never once questioned my decisions based on what kind of birth that I would like considering I am a c-section survivor. I’ll give him one more chance.
“You have to remember, Somer. It IS a rare condition and maybe he’s never seen a REAL case of it before,” my mother told me. Ok, I’ll try to keep that in mind.
I talked to Jessie when I got home and I told him about what had happened. Basically, this put Jessie on a war path. Remember, Jessie was there with me the first time this happened. He knows how ugly it can get. Jessie has to baby me now when I am having bad days. If nobody else does, Jessie knows how hard this is on me. The fact that someone questioned me pissed him right the hell off. So he called my OB/GYN in Washington and had a little conversation with a nurse familiar with my case (in WA, they remember me because I was the first case they saw) and she assured Jessie that she would waste NO time in calling my current doctor and having a little chat with him and trying to get him to understand that I’m not overblowing a case of morning sickness.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to take a short video with my webcam and being able to edit it so that I can make vlog posts for SMP and MWC. I kept hitting walls and was getting a little irritated with the process. Jessie assured me that he would help me to figure it out tonight, and I felt better. When he got home from work he started making a fuss about finding a weird little box in our garbage can outside. He handed me a box that contained a brand new teeny tiny camcorder that connects right to my laptop so that I can shoot, edit and post vlogs with relative ease.
“Why did you do this? I was fine with using my webcam,” I said to him.
“I would be a bad husband if I didn’t indulge your every whim,” he replied. Yeah, that shut me up.
While playing with my new toy, I happened to capture an adorable video and I thought it would be nice if I shared it all with you. Maybe by watching this, you’ll understand why I’ll go to sleep tonight with a smile on my face.
