I tweeted last night that someone must have peed in Jessie’s Cheerios because he was just in a TERRIBLE mood last night.  Well whoever did it, please contact me so I can throw a dirty diaper in your face.  Last night was a bad night.

But….

I’ve been with the guy long enough to know how it goes.  Sometimes loving him is very easy.  Effortless, actually.  Sometimes I really have to sit and remind myself that I love him.  That’s how long-term committed relationships work, you know.  They get on your last nerve.  You get on their last nerve.  You hide from each other so you don’t have to finish the fight that’s been brewing all day.  You go to bed together and laugh together at the audible baby farts coming in through the baby monitor.  Things are suddenly better.

I don’t write a lot of praise about Jessie because 1) I hate when people are constantly overly gushy about their spouses (and Jessie hates it too, this kind of stuff embarrasses him) and 2) there’s always some smart ass friend right there to make puking comments.  I try to tell Jessie to his face that I love him and I’m thankful for him, but I think he deserves to have the world know too.

He’s a big fan of purple, which always makes me laugh.

He works very hard for our family.  He’s got  great work ethic and does it all for us.

After a long day of work and commuting, he comes home and gives Lukas a bath after dinner and gets him ready for bed.

He really genuinely loves his sons.

He doesn’t complain when I send him to the grocery store two times in one day because I keep forgetting things.

He doesn’t treat me like a servant because I am a stay-at-home mom and a housewife.  He doesn’t expect the house to always be spotless or the laundry to always be folded or that I prepare a gourmet 4-course dinner for him every night.

He’s always happy to see us when he gets home.

Sometimes on the weekend he goes out and brings home breakfast and lets me sleep in.

If I have had a bad day or am tired or sick, he’s more than happy to bring home dinner.

He’s fun.  He doesn’t make us a dry or overly serious couple.  We’re always joking and teasing each other.

I got the idea to do a post like this because of this article.  I found it touching.  I won’t be changing my ways of playfully poking fun at Jessie or talking about resolved problems from our past, but I guess I owe him a nice one even though I’m fairly certain he’ll never read this.  Oh well, it’s here for the rest of the world to see if they should be so inclined.

That header says it all.  I used to be in a relationship with actor Bradley Cooper.  Name not familiar?  Ok, here:

Handsome devil, isn’t he?  I always told him that he had a great smile.  I still like to see him smile…and to have a natural looking color that doesn’t look like he is chugging spray-tanner.

We didn’t have a long relationship, only about 3 weeks.  It ended suddenly and amicably and I still smile fondly when thinking of our time together.  He was fun.

You’re waiting for a hook aren’t you?  You’re waiting for me to smile and elbow you in the ribs and tell you that I’m fucking with you, aren’t you?  Well I’m not going to.

I really did have a 3-week long relationship with Bradley Cooper.

Admittedly, he may have been unaware of it.

Okay, okay!  I’ll come clean.

It happened a couple of years ago.  My husband and I were still having our 5-year-long dry spell.  During these dry spells, I fall victim to very vivid sex dreams.  Every now and then an ex will come into my dreams and I’ll wake up very upset but usually it’s a no-face guy or some random actor or musician.  Then, for some completely weird reason, Bradley stepped up to plate.

I was only merely annoyed after the first night.  Even though he has qualities that I usually find attractive in men, I’m just not attracted to him.  At all.  Like, not even copious amounts of alcohol would make me feel attracted to him.  So, after one dream I simply had a “WTF” moment upon waking and forgot about it.

Until the next night.

And the next.

And the next.

And the next.

For 3 weeks straight I dreamed dirty dreams about Bradley Cooper without a break.  Every morning I would wake up more and more annoyed.  After the first week I would have gladly had a sex dream about Yogi Bear, but there was no break.  After the second week I started griping to the husband about it.

“What do you want me to do about it?” He asked me.

“Well, you know, maybe if I were having sexual encounters in my awake life, I would be able to stop dreaming about Bradley Fucking Cooper!”  I replied.

The husband did not take the bait and another week of Bradley Cooper dream sex went on.

That was it, I had had enough.

I got the husband drunk (in those times, it was the easiest way to get him in any sort of mood…and how my jokes about me being a fugly were born) and did as most married couples do without such a to-do.  That night, Bradley didn’t come back.

He hasn’t been back since.

I wish all breakups were so uneventful.

Sorry Bradley, it wasn’t you. It was me.

If you wish to have the might of the blogosphere brought down on your head by insulting a pretty huge sector of the blog-nation, please by all means do this.  While I am not a book reviewer or even a book blogger, I am a reader and I am a blogger and I am so very proud to stand in line with some of those commenters who were able to be graceful, intelligent and straight-shooting in the face of a horrific insult.

Being a blogger, apparently I am only qualified to write a grocery list.  Well, what-the-fuck-ever on that one.  I’ve written almost 500 posts on this blog alone.  Let’s not forget that I am close to 100 posts on Smell My Plate and about 5 previous blogs that I deleted entirely before I settled on this incarnation.  I can write a hell of a lot more than a grocery list.  But you know what?  My grocery lists are delightful.  Magnificent, even.  If that makes me somehow not qualified to call myself a writer, then the world can kiss my ass.

Do you want to know why my grocery lists are wonderful?  TEMPLATES.  My friends all know I’m coo-coo for templates and I found a great template for my grocery lists.  This is my preferred template.  I love it.

While I am here, I might as well make use of my one and only use as a blogger and share with you my grocery list.  For SassyMonkey

Onions

Garlic

Celery

Potatoes

Apples

Leafy Greens

Tomatoes

Bell peppers

Shallots

Scallions

Cilantro

Butter

Milk

Coffee Creamer

American cheese

Parmesan cheese

Grating cheeses

Yogurt

Eggs

Pepperoni

Whole chickens

Bacon

Sausage

Pork chops

Ground beef

Hot dogs

Steaks

Stew meat

Applesauce

Peanut butter

Taco kits

Twix

Oreos

White Chocolate

Sugar

Confectioners’ sugar

Cocoa powder

Yeast

Honey

Brownie mix

Shortening

Oatmeal

Cream and Cocoa Wheats

Bread

Hamburger buns

Cereal

Dijon mustard

Coarse grain mustard

Dill

Parsley

Couscous

Egg noodles

Splenda packets

Popcorn salt

Kosher salt

Red wine vinegar

Powdered cappuccino

Coffee

Chai tea

Green tea

Soda

V8

Vitamins

Body wash

Body spray

Deodorant

Shampoo/Conditioner

Perfume

Toilet paper

Cat food

Cat litter

Baby formula

PediaSure

Dishwasher tabs

Laundry detergent

Garbage bags

Plastic wrap

Mr. Bubble

There, I have fulfilled my duty as a lowly blogger for today.  Just doing my job, folks.