Last night while lounging in my living room with my mother and husband.

Me:  “He told me last night that I was fat!”

Jessie:  “Well look at her!  She needs to lay off of the Big Macs!”

Me:  *sigh*

Jessie:  “She looks like she has a big tapeworm or some other kind of parasite growing in her stomach!”

My Mom:  “Maybe she just needs to take a big crap.”

I’m at the end of my BlogHer ’10 conference.  The only thing left is an evening of mingling and a cheeseburger party that I’m really looking forward to.  I’ve attended four sessions at this conference and while in them, I sort of accidentally took up an old habit from college.  You see, not every class in college is riveting and to keep from falling asleep, I would sit and take notes of random thoughts (before Twitter) in my notebook.  Sometimes I would go back and read these random thoughts and would get a really good laugh.

To be honest, I was only really bored in one session.  The other three I enjoyed greatly, I just was having so much fun with myself and my random scribblings that I did it during all.  I thought that since most of you follow me on Facebook and Twitter anyhow that I would subject you to my session notes….so you can see what an idiot I am.

Session 1 (I was bored in this one.)

-This is so unorganized.

-Seriously boring.

-She said, “Expecially”…..Christ…… (And yes, my note looks exactly like that.)

-I’m more interested in the cute baby 5 rows up.

-I keep having honeydew burps.

-That baby is seriously cute.

-People behind me won’t STFU.

-Don’t want to leave because I feel bad.  So many people are milling out.

-That baby has crazy pinchy cheeks.

-My underboob itches but I’m afraid to scratch.

-People just keep leaving…..

-Cute baby left.  Nothing to look at.

-I want a granola bar.

-Wonder what’s for lunch.  I hope it’s not bologna.

-She keeps saying “expecially”.  I want to throw my shoe at her.

-Why are people standing in the back?  Half of these chairs are empty.  Seriously.  HALF.

-A brick and mortar business owned by a woman?  How refreshing!

Session 2 (My favorite one.)

-Guy sitting next to me looks like Alton Brown. Must stop staring.

-Phone is on vibrate and sitting between my legs.  Please no one text me lest I squeal.

-Oooh!  I know PunditMom!   Well her blog…..

-OMG Elisa Camahort is sitting behind me.

-”Live the life you want, not the life you feel you should have.”  ~Stephanie Roberts.  I like that lady.

-PunditMom just said “words that rhyme with witch” instead of just saying “bitch.”  People who refrain from cussing are cute.

-Not all female photographers take pictures of weddings, pretty flowers and horizons!  I’m forming a crush on Stephanie Roberts.

-Some woman wearing a cell phone holder on her hip just squeezed me out of my chair.  Had to move my huge pregnant bulk over.  She isn’t even paying attention to the fucking session.

-Thank goodness PunditMom is here.  She’s keeping this VERY organized.

-Woman down front is literally freaking the fuck out to ask a question.  Her hand has shot in the air 14 times so far.

-Someone is texting and the sound is on. Asshat.

-Why does this woman hate Nestle?  (must look that up, actually)

-Crazy question lady FINALLY got picked.

-PunditMom answer to a really good question, “I bang my head against the wall.”

-These chairs are not huge-and-pregnant friendly.

Session 3

-Everybody in here is old.

-Glad I did my swag hunting yesterday.  Some of these poor women are so loaded down and still trying to get around.

-How to control my digital footprint?  I have enough trouble with my carbon footprint.  For crying out loud, I’ve only got two feet!

-Everybody keeps coming in with pudding.  Where are they getting pudding?

Session 4 (My second favorite)

-I volunteered to present in this session and was passed over.  When you’re too small a blogger to present on a panel about embracing your smallness as a blogger, the level of suck that you are is epic.

-Are all rooms full of women uniformly loud and irritating?  Large groups of men are annoying too, only they make the room smell like scum and farts.

-A business card that is really a package of gummis?  It was tasteless to plop it in front of me unprompted….but…GUMMIS!  Oh, fuck.  She’s pitching Apple Apps.  These things are going in the trash!!

-This presenter has one of those great soft voices that makes you kinda sleepy.

-These poor women are nervous.  Next year they should offer “Awesome Juice” to the presenters. Nobody needs to know it’s booze.

-”My job is kind of a pain in the ass and a drag.  I want this to be fun!”  Funny commenter.

-Ha!  This woman in the audience is hilarious.  She should be a presenter!

-People going off on a long tangent while asking a question is painful to watch.

-Another cell phone with the sound on.  Asshats abound.

-Oh man, I have the perfect answer to that question.  And no, it doesn’t involve cheeseburgers.

-”I try to ignore my stats for the same reason I don’t have a scale in my house.”  Celeste, Presenter

-My stats don’t interest me.  I get a good weekly laugh, however, from the search terms that bring people to my site.  There are always at least three that are booby-centered.

-Oh, come on ladies!  Drop an F-bomb!

-Presenters are relaxing.  Starting to funny it up.  Awesome.

-Oh Rita!  BlogHer would NEVER syndicate my blog!  Stop teasing!

-Woman came into the panel really late.  Is sitting next to me and rocking back and forth.  Her laptop also does not have the sound turned off.  My cell phone might accidentally hit her.

-Yeah, these presenters are in no way as small as I am.  Suckage reminder.

-This woman next to me is driving me fucking crazy.

-Seriously, how far into the cell phone era are people going to remember to turn off the damned sound?

-This woman next to me is giving me a fucking headache. (I could seriously devote an entire post to all of the stuff that she was doing to gross me out and annoy me.  But I won’t.  She just sort of ruined a great session for me.)

That’s all!  As you can see, you can learn a lot about these sessions by what I wrote down in my snazzy red notebook.  I should be a transcriber.

Tomorrow I board a train and head to New York City to attend the BlogHer ’10 conference.  I “SQUEE” every time I say or write that phrase.  I am so incredibly excited for this, I can’t even explain it without sounding like a lunatic.  Let’s just say that 4 years of isolation and no friends in Washington has motivated me to get my family and myself out of the stinking house and into some social situations that would normally make us uncomfortable.

I don’t think I’ll be uncomfortable at the conference, though.  There will be enough people to hide behind if I do start acting like a socially inept hobbit, but people enough like me that I can sit and have a nice conversation just about anywhere.  I’m really looking forward to this.

Having said all of that, I feel a bit of a need to warn you other conference goers about…well….me.  I’m a person who comes with warnings and disclaimers.  Reader beware.

I sweat.  A lot.  I can claim that this is a symptom of being huge and pregnant right now, but the truth of the matter is that I have always been a heavily sweating person.  I’ve always hated the women who “glisten” and just sort of glitter when they get hot all the while I am sitting in a puddle of sweat panting heavily.  It’s not pretty.

I grunt and moan a lot when I sit down and get back up.  This one I will blame on the pregnancy thing.  Just don’t look at me weird when I start making wookie sounds when trying to get up off of a sunken in leather sofa.

I’ll giggle and laugh at lots of things.  I like to laugh and I am a person (with a history of depression) who finds it important to see the humor in everything.  I laugh a lot.  You’re welcome to laugh with me.  We’ll have a giggle party.

I chew gum a lot.  I know this is totally disgusting to some people and completely unforgivable.  I don’t like to have bad breath.  I don’t like my mouth tasting yucky.  I make a very conscious effort not to be gross about my gum chewing, but I will still do it.  If it’s a choice between sewer mouth and a peek of gum in my mouth, I’m choosing the gum!

I’m not a super girlie-girl.  My nails will not be painted.  I have never had a manicure or a pedicure.  My nails are short and clean and that’s all I need.  I don’t wear a lot of jewelry and most of my clothes come from Target.  My hair will be doing it’s own thing (I gave up trying to control it years ago) and my makeup is always minimal.  I’ll be glad to listen to you passionately talk about your favorite shoes, just don’t expect me to jump in.  I’m lost in that area of conversation.

I am an anti-Apple person.  Don’t try to get me to touch your iPad or new iPhone because I will become so distraught that I may vomit.  Okay, maybe it’s not that dramatic, but I still don’t want to touch your Apple stuff.  Use it and enjoy it, just don’t try to convert me.

Twilight.  No.  Just, no.

If you are having a cocktail or a glass of wine in front of me, excuse me while I stare longingly at your beverage and lick my chops.  I’m having serious booze withdrawal in this pregnancy.  I’ll try not to start reciting love poetry to your drink.

While I’m not a morning person, I am not a foot-dragger either.  When I wake up I am awake and perky, even if it is 6 a.m.  Try not to punch me when I say “GOOD MORNING!” in a happy voice.  I’m pregnant.  And I wear glasses.  That’s just not a cool thing to do!

I think that should be adequate enough warning.

I hope everybody has a great time and is able to walk away from this conference with some new friends and contacts (maybe I’ll be one!).  See you all there!