If you wish to have the might of the blogosphere brought down on your head by insulting a pretty huge sector of the blog-nation, please by all means do this.  While I am not a book reviewer or even a book blogger, I am a reader and I am a blogger and I am so very proud to stand in line with some of those commenters who were able to be graceful, intelligent and straight-shooting in the face of a horrific insult.

Being a blogger, apparently I am only qualified to write a grocery list.  Well, what-the-fuck-ever on that one.  I’ve written almost 500 posts on this blog alone.  Let’s not forget that I am close to 100 posts on Smell My Plate and about 5 previous blogs that I deleted entirely before I settled on this incarnation.  I can write a hell of a lot more than a grocery list.  But you know what?  My grocery lists are delightful.  Magnificent, even.  If that makes me somehow not qualified to call myself a writer, then the world can kiss my ass.

Do you want to know why my grocery lists are wonderful?  TEMPLATES.  My friends all know I’m coo-coo for templates and I found a great template for my grocery lists.  This is my preferred template.  I love it.

While I am here, I might as well make use of my one and only use as a blogger and share with you my grocery list.  For SassyMonkey

Onions

Garlic

Celery

Potatoes

Apples

Leafy Greens

Tomatoes

Bell peppers

Shallots

Scallions

Cilantro

Butter

Milk

Coffee Creamer

American cheese

Parmesan cheese

Grating cheeses

Yogurt

Eggs

Pepperoni

Whole chickens

Bacon

Sausage

Pork chops

Ground beef

Hot dogs

Steaks

Stew meat

Applesauce

Peanut butter

Taco kits

Twix

Oreos

White Chocolate

Sugar

Confectioners’ sugar

Cocoa powder

Yeast

Honey

Brownie mix

Shortening

Oatmeal

Cream and Cocoa Wheats

Bread

Hamburger buns

Cereal

Dijon mustard

Coarse grain mustard

Dill

Parsley

Couscous

Egg noodles

Splenda packets

Popcorn salt

Kosher salt

Red wine vinegar

Powdered cappuccino

Coffee

Chai tea

Green tea

Soda

V8

Vitamins

Body wash

Body spray

Deodorant

Shampoo/Conditioner

Perfume

Toilet paper

Cat food

Cat litter

Baby formula

PediaSure

Dishwasher tabs

Laundry detergent

Garbage bags

Plastic wrap

Mr. Bubble

There, I have fulfilled my duty as a lowly blogger for today.  Just doing my job, folks.

This morning, I drew a conclusion and the more I think about this conclusion, the more brilliant I feel for having finally caught up with the game.  Allow me to explain:

The most popular search terms that lead people to this blog are always variations about my cleavage.  Pale cleavage, freckly cleavage, mom cleavage…that kind of thing.  And of all the things that I have written, of all the stories I have woven for my readers, the only post I have ever had syndicated showed pictures of my naked body.

Internet, I think you want me!

I find this perplexing since, on a global scale, I can be sort of a fugly.  I mean, when you compare me to an airbrushed super-skinny babe (and there are MANY on the internet) I don’t even register.  So I must ask, “Internet, what are you thinking??”

Ok, don’t answer that.  I don’t want to hear explanations of drunken nights and meth-induced trances brought on by my bright and shiny white skin.  Wait a minute, does my cleavage cause hallucinations?  If it does, Oh My God THAT IS AWESOME!  I shall have to find a way to make this a bankable commodity.

Welcome to the blog of the Amazingly Hypnotic Cleavage and the Blindingly Pale Stretch Marks!

T-shirts upon request.

Ok, so I am behind on that whole “post something cute once a week” promise I made a while back.  What can I say?  I suck.  End of story.

Anyhow, I decided to give my kids a break and share with you the cuteness of my cats.  We used to have 4 but now there are three.  One of the kittens was just not really socializing with people and was being squeamish and acting like a wild animal whenever we got too close.  With small kids, I can’t have that, so we adopted him out to a good place where he can get a little more one on one time.  This is who we are left with:

So she used to be called “Squirrel” or “Squirrely Girl”, right?  Well have I ever told you that I have a terrible habit of naming pets one thing and then giving them a nickname that is more their name than the official name?  Well I’ve done it again except this time I outright changed it.  So she is no longer Squirrel.  Her new name is Midgey.  She just looks like a Midge, and with the y on the end, it’s cute.  It is.

This cat has the intelligence of a muddy boot.  I have watched this cat try to jump on to high platforms only to splat in an epic fail kind of way.  I have watched her sit in her water dish and then tear ass through the house, traumatized over her wet butt.  She is dumb….but in an endearing sort of way.  She’s also very affectionate and fuzzy.  And fat.  She somehow got really fat.  I have no idea how it happened, but this cat got blumpy!  Again, in an endearing sort of way.  She’s my flufflepuff and I like her a whole lot.

I have had the hardest time sexing this cat.  As a baby, we were certain this was a male cat.  Now that they are nearing the 6 month age, we are pretty certain either this cat has a mutation where the testicles just never formed or it’s a female.  I’m pretty sure it’s safer to say “female.”  I used to call this cat Romeo, but now that the whole “Oh I don’t think you have a penis!” thing has happened, I’ve been calling this cat Sweety, since this cat is ultra mega sweet.  I’m not even kidding.  This cat is precious and darling.  I almost lost her due to a bad case of worms, but we were able to nurse her back to health.  She has emerald green eyes and a pink nose and she always meows very softly.  Sweety.

And there’s my beauty, Salem.  The only cat to retain her original name.  She hasn’t a speck of color on her.  She is pure black and her fur is thick and luxurious.  She’s an Alpha cat, but she’s sweet about it.  The only thing she gets fussy and bitchy about is her perch on the top of the cat play station.  That is where she sleeps and if another cat is up there when she wants it, she simply jumps up there, whacks the out-of-bounds intruder and lazily claims her territory.  She’s also a bit of a sentinel.  She is watchful and protective of her family.  Any time guests come over, she inspects them closely before she can relax.  I catch her staring at me all the time, watching me.  She always has a loving look on her face, but it can be a little off-putting.  Never you mind about all of that.  Make it a point to always befriend a black cat.  They are good luck and make for good companions….unless they are the kind that like to shit in your shoes.  Thankfully, Salem is the nice kind.

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Ok, ok.  ONE picture of my boys before I end this.  And I’m only sharing this picture because I can feel my throat close up when I look at it because I am so touched by it.

Beautiful.